Michael Cleverly: Aliens took Michael and left a replacement ‘thing’ | AspenTimes.com

Michael Cleverly: Aliens took Michael and left a replacement ‘thing’

See, I told you there was something odd about Michael Jackson. Of course I can’t quite put my finger on it.

What I don’t understand is why everyone so unquestioningly accepts as fact that this thing we see on TV is actually the same talented little kid who made all that money for the Jackson 5. My buddy swears that he saw something of an extraterrestrial nature the other night. No, he didn’t claim to have seen Michael exiting a space vehicle, but remind me again what Richard Simmons looks like.

Those of us who live in this valley full time are used to the wretched excess of the wealthy. Compared to Michael Jackson’s lifestyle, the stuff our local jillionaires choose to blow their dough on makes perfect sense. I mean, if money was no object whatsoever would you or I choose to spend it on demonstrating beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were the most screwed-up people on the surface of the earth? OK, maybe I would, but it would look a lot different. My theory is that they took little Michael. Who’s going to complain? His family? The alien abductors simply offered them money ” as long as the cash is flowing what’s the dif? Four out of five ain’t bad.

I truly hope that the real Michael Jackson is enjoying his life on planet Zorgat. He seemed like a nice little guy. I can’t imagine it could be any worse than the life his evil replacement alien is leading. I mean, he’s supposed to be 46 years old ” how long has it been since you’ve actually enjoyed those carnival rides? No living, human adult could possibly stand it! We love our kids, but we don’t have those things sitting on our front lawns.

Clearly the folks from Zorgat invented the concept of “hide in plain sight.” They also must have come up with the notion of never underestimating the stupidity of the average American. I mean, doesn’t the fact that Michael doesn’t even look like the same person count for anything?

By the way, I’m also pretty sure that the entities currently masquerading as Elizabeth Taylor and Paris Hilton are both just off the Mother Ship. In the spirit of responsible journalism, I did my level best to research this particular theory. Countless hours of trying to download Ms. Hilton’s video (purely for evidence-gathering purposes) proved futile. They’re cunning, very cunning. My efforts to call Ms. Hilton to book a room in one of her hotels were also fruitless. I suspect she was back on Zorgat receiving new instructions.

It grieves me that the onus of the alien Michael might reflect on the rest of his family, particularly his lovely sisters Janet and La Toya, who last summer spent an enjoyable fortnight with me at my cabin in Woody Creek. Ditto for dear Nikki Hilton, who was such a gracious hostess at Cannes last year. I’m sorry, kids ” this is serious stuff, a matter of national importance and quite possibly national security. The vanguard of the invasion force is upon us.

At a time in human history like this, when the future of the entire race may be at stake, our tendency is to turn to religion. I personally think this is a good idea, so I’m starting my own.

I’m going to call it The Church of Our Imaginary Friend. The basic principles of the religion will be conservative; we’ll adhere to the same standards of ethics and morality that all the mainstream religions claim to believe in. The Church of Our Imaginary Friend will diverge from the mainstream mostly in that we will specifically forbid our members from slaughtering people who don’t believe in what we believe. Above the door to every church will be the words “No Inquisitions, No Holocausts, No Jihads … And I mean it! Jack.”

Jack is the name of our deity. Members of the religion will be able to say “I believe in Jack,” or they can say, “I don’t believe in Jack.” People who don’t belong to the religion will be able to say, “I believe in Jack” or “I don’t believe in Jack.” It’ll be OK with Jack either way. Jack’s not like some of those other deities; Jack’s point won’t be to have people believe in Him. His point will be to have people do the right thing and lead good lives. Believing in Jack or not believing in Jack won’t mean jack to Jack.

I think it’s possible to save planet Earth from these savage alien hoards, especially with Jack on our side. I also think that, Jack willing, we might be able to save some rat-ass alien souls. In Michael’s case, all he has to do is ask. I’ll cheerfully send him a certificate of authenticity and a season pass to the house of Jack. Paris, I fear, will require a great deal of personal coaching. As a man of Jack, I’m willing to sacrifice as much time as it takes to achieve this end.

If Janet, La Toya, and Nikki feel that they could use some saving too … well, there’s always room.

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