Lo-Fidelity: It’s been a hot wolf summer, and I’ve been working like a dog

Hi. My name’s Lorenzo, and I voted for wolf reintroduction. Does that make me a bad person? Does it mean I don’t support local ranchers? No, and No. While I wholeheartedly empathize with ranchers who’ve seen livestock killed by the reintroduced wolves, I’m a firm believer that generations from now, history will prove the wolf reintroduction a success. 

I knew when, before the last election, I heard a dude I know say “ballot box biology,” we were looking at a hundred miles of bad road ahead. People on the Western Slope despise us Aspen-ites because we voted for wolf reintroduction, among myriad other jealousy-based irrational reasons. I love present day Aspen. I see more wildlife here than ever in my lifetime. I could say the same about dump trucks.

What boggles my mind is the political/wolf divide. For discussion sake, let’s make a gross but apropos generalization: Republicans voted against the wolf, and Democrats voted in favor. Here’s what I find amusing: If there ever was an animal that represented the freedom-loving, no-regulation-seeking, anti-government, go-your-own-way, gun-toting, card-carrying, “You’re not the boss of me” pocket constitution patriot, that would be, drum roll please … the wolf. The wolf stands for everything conservatives believe in, yet they literally want to kill their mascot. There’s some serious, deep-rooted, psychological self-loathing goin’ on there. Dr. Ruth would’ve had a field day. 

I don’t get it. And I’m not trying to. I’ve read enough in the paper — and seen my fill of disgusting anti-wolf rage posts on social media — to fully affirm my belief that an attempt to change anyone’s mind politically, or on this wolf issue, would be an exercise in futility right up there with trying to convince a gay guy to date a woman or persuade a snowboarder to ski. Because that’s where we are as a society right now. Divided, argumentative, deadlocked, cancelled, shutdown, stubborn, always right. As an introduced species ourselves, we had our chance at some semblance of harmony when the movie “Hair” came out and squandered the opportunity. Now the seeds of humanistic unanimities lay fallow in sterilized soils of the lowest common denominator. 

You know what the wolves really need? A good social media manager. A PR person. An agent. A reality TV show.

I’d start with an Instagram page that shows what their average day is. I’d begin by showing the daily wolf routine and what they eat other than cattle. Perhaps a human unsuccessfully trying to hunt them. And when they do get into a ranch and instinctually kill a calf, they could explain their primordial thought process. Maybe even apologize. Like a Tik-Tok reel with Britney Spears’ “Oops! … I Did It Again” as the accompanying music.

To me, the wolf embodies a metaphor of the ultimate lone predator, of which we are all surrounded by in every conceivable form each day. There are always other enterprises trying to depredate your business, someone trying to steal your bike, hack your debit card, screw your wife, ski your powder, cut in front of you in traffic, slaughter your team — the list goes on infinitum. “Wolves” constantly surround us. You can’t see them, but they’re out there. 

I really want to see a wolf in the wild. I’m constantly on the lookout. I’ve yet to spot one, but I’ve been seeing a lot of osprey lately — another re-introduced species. The funny thing is, every single time I see an osprey, it has a giant trout in its talons. Apparently, they’re either unaware that the streams around here are catch-and-release or they’re anti-regulation. If they keep up this depredation, the streams are going to be devoid of any trout. The rivers here will go from “gold medal” rating to “Nastar bronze” quickly. Will fly fisherman start shooting osprey like vigilante hunters are doing to wolves? I wonder what Chuck Fothergill would say?

I’ve been following the wolf drama closely, with a primordial eye trained on the statewide tracking map featured with some frequency in The Aspen Times (“Colorado’s wolf map shows movement near Utah border — but officials won’t say whether any wolves left the state”). I can remember feeling a sense of excitement when the Pitkin County sector turned purple. It’s gotta be a tough time to work for the Colorado Parks and Wildlife department right about now. Every time I see one of their trucks, I wonder what that’s like. I was going to get some of those wolf license plates but chickened-out. 

I blame my love of wolves on the Aspen School District. And my parents. When I was in grade school at the Red Brick, I was coerced into reading Jack London’s “White Fang,” a book written from the viewpoint of a dog, which conservatives should ban right away if they haven’t already. And my parents for giving me my name “Lo,” which was clearly a setup for my nickname “Lobo,” wolf in Spanish. To back up their cunning Canis lupus scheme, we had a “Wolf” range and flattop in our kitchen over in the West End. 

See? There’s a liberal wolf conspiracy; I was susceptible and, in a moment of weakness, voted for wolf reintroduction. Hey, how come no one’s freaking out about the impending wolverine reintroduction (“Aspen area included in ‘release zone’ for wolverine reintroduction”)? 

Contact Lorenzo via suityourself@sopris.net.