Lead with Love: Don’t throw away your shot to live your values

A friend of mine came to visit recently and noticed something I had not been paying much attention to.

She commented how much she loved seeing our family values on the wall above the dining room table. These family values were illustrated by our 4-year-old twins, so not exactly sophisticated artwork for the dining room but captivating nonetheless. It was a dream of mine even before I had kids to create a set of values to help us educate and parent our kids and to be more accountable as individuals as well. The family values had become part of life. I didn’t really notice them anymore, but I loved when one of our kids would bring them up and say, “That’s one of our family values!” When I would hear them say that, I was delighted that even these little kids had some idea of what these values were and that they were important to us.

This conversation with my friend got me thinking that I wanted to share this values creation process with our retreat attendees as I was about to host a Lead with Love Retreat up at Beyul a few weeks after this encounter with my friend. So, we got to work. My friend Jess and I devised a process over a weekend of work and fun together and debuted the Lead with Love Values Discovery Curriculum at that retreat in August. It was powerful and helped me to refine and redefine our Lead with Love Values and also my own personal and family values.

Talk is cheap and so is hanging your values on the wall. The real work is living the values. I was really  inspired by Jess who said she did the process with her daughter, and the two of them were getting up early every day, working out, meditating, giving up alcohol, and working on passion projects like writing a book all based on their values.

“I’m telling you, Gina, this process has changed my life!” Jess exclaimed to me just about every time we talked.

I was inspired by her not just writing the values but really living them and tracking some impressive life changes. I looked at my values and sighed — I was not living all of them, and moreover, they had become more of an art project than a guiding light for our family. 

How could I become more committed to living the values that I felt aligned with more fully? What I realized is that just like everything in life, it’s a choice. One of my values is “Focus on What’s Working.” Every time I catch myself being upset, critical or hyper-focused on what’s wrong, I deliberately ask myself what is working to help to soften that narrow, myopic view. It helps me to broaden my perspective and give myself some space to feel my feelings but not to dwell on the negative ones because having an Attitude of Gratitude is also one of our family values.

Certainly, easier said than done, but what’s the use in saying it if you’re not going to do it? Making gratitude lists or having a gratitude journal really helps me orient my mind towards what’s working and what I can be grateful for even when challenging circumstances arise. It’s a practice and becomes easier over time just like learning a new language or working out at the gym. We have to practice living our values until it becomes second nature. What if you never take the time to inquire what your values actually are and if you’re living them? Seems like a missed opportunity to be more deliberate and intentional with this one wild and precious life.

I recently drove up to Beyul for a short personal retreat and to soak in the fall colors. On the way up, I was enjoying silence but then felt called out of nowhere to listen to the “Hamilton” musical soundtrack. I love this soundtrack, but I haven’t listened to it in years. All I can say is thank goodness I was driving alone because singing is not one of my gifts, but boy, was I singing! “I am not throwin’ away my shot, I am not throwin’ away my shot,” Hamilton sings over and over. I have this feeling that I have this one shot in life to actually commit to my values and to live them — not just talk about them or hang them on my wall. This is my shot to be authentic and true to myself. And, I am not going to throw away that shot by taking a more comfortable path or by going along with things that are out of alignment for me. 

When we left the Lead with Love retreat we hosted up at Beyul in August, all of our attendees had a chance to come up with a Lead with Love Manifesto based on their values. It was powerful to witness in just a few short, intentional days what people came up with. Are they living those values now? Who knows. All I know is that life is better when I take the time to listen and live my values and make amends when I don’t. I believe we live in a world and in a country right now that is out of alignment with core, human values of worth, dignity, and care for one another. I know I won’t change anyone’s mind who might believe differently than I do, and I don’t want to waste my time fighting against those I don’t agree with bringing more anger and rage into the world. Let them think what they think, and let me give it my best shot to live in alignment with my values and help create a world based on love, kindness, and care because that’s what I believe in.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sing another one of my favorite songs, “Don’t Stop Believing!” by Journey. I really hope you’ll all join me with this one.

Gina Murdock is the Founder and Director of Lead with Love, an Aspen, Colo. based non-profit organization dedicated to shifting culture from fear to love. Join Lead with Love for our free offerings at True Nature Caring for Caregivers Oct. 16, Nov. 20, and Dec. 18. More info at ileadwithlove.org.