Writing Switch: This … is … ‘Jeoparody’ | AspenTimes.com
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Writing Switch: This … is … ‘Jeoparody’

Benjamin Welch and Sean Beckwith

Welcome to this special episode of “Tribute Jeopardy!” Thankfully, the longtime host of “Jeopardy!” Alex Trebek recently died and now we don’t have to write about the election. Everybody loved Trebek (unless you’re Sean Connery, also RIP); whether they were Republican, Democrat, Libertarian or whatever party Kanye is, Trebek was the common bond between them all. This week, we come up with our own mini-contest in honor of the consummate gameshow host and respond to “Jeopardy!”-inspired questions we created for each other. The points don’t matter and nobody wins, even if that’s technically a different program.

‘Ski’-son’s Greetings

SB: Note the quotation marks.

■ A mainstay of apres, these drinks are best consumed in sync: What are shotskis?

■ More than 1,600 people unknowingly signed up to catch some rays on his cruise in 2016: Who is Rob Gronkowski?

■ Rafal Zawierucha portrayed this real life director in the historically fictionalized “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood …”: Who is Roman Polanski?

■ This Polish and current Bayern Munich striker has spent a majority of career playing in the Bundesliga: Who is Eric Piatkowski?

The Polish Rifle is a basketball player. We were looking for Robert Lewandowski.

■ This German actor and a favorite of director Werner Herzog appeared in more than 130 films, including the Spaghetti Western “For a Few Dollars More”: Who is Clint Skieastwood?

We’re looking for Klaus Kinski. May god have mercy on your soul.

Through the Strainer

BW: All questions are names of licensed marijuana strains I just made up.

■ If you listen to so much Dr. Dre you neglect oral hygiene, you may develop this: What is Gingavi-rips?

No, what is “Chronic” Halitosis?

■ The second man on the moon spawned progeny with a witch, which they named this: What is Bewitched Buzz?

Almost, that’s who is Buzz Cauldron?

■ Too much butter on your movie theater snack could afflict you with this respiratory disease: What is Gout?

No, that would be Popcorn Lung. Popcorn Lung. Back to you.

■ Delete two many punctuation marks and you might slip into one of these: What is a Semi-coma?

Close, but what is an Oxford Coma?

■ When an Energizer or Duracell commit high-level crimes, it becomes one of these: What is ass-out and battery?

Sorry, what is Felony Baddery?

Too Many Tourists

SB: How can you spot them?

■ These tourists are often seen cautiously walking around in stilettos, looking to LIV it up: Who are New Yorkers?

Just a way bit south. LIV is in Miami, so we’re looking for Miamians.

■ Known for filling their pockets and crevasses with everything from airplane booze bottle to coke to molly, locals’ biggest gripe is this crowd’s ability to fill buses: Who are X Gamers?

■ Without defining what constitutes the correct kind of tourist, Aspen City Councilman Skippy Mesirow said Aspen has this kind of tourist: Who are the wrong kinds?

■ Incessantly wearing this is essential to gain entry to events such as Food & Wine but not to the Red Onion, Bosq or the public bathroom in between seminars: What are pants?

Incorrect. What are lanyards? Also, please stay behind your podium.

■ Before realizing the movie would be about a different kind of pursuit, Pitkin County commissioners almost approved this movie for filming in Aspen:​ What is “Dumb and Older”?

Close. The answer is, “What is ‘Cougar Hunting’?”

*INtermission*

Let’s meet our contestant Sean Beckwith, who joins us from Brookside, Colorado. *Audience gives reluctant applause* Now, Sean, you have recently become a farmer of, um, pepper plants. *Audience chuckles wholesomely* Can you tell us a little more about that?

“Yeah Alex, I’m a big fan of horticulture. I prefer fresh produce to bargain bin trout ripening in my fridge next to the aging Hello Fresh bag.”

Thanks, Sean, but that was actually flounder, like what you’re doing this round. Anyway, let’s get back to the game.

Fat City Fouls

BW: Don’t make these mistakes.

■ If you lose a game of ring toss and foosball and accidentally fall into the drywall, you’ve spent a night at this former bar named after a not-round-shaped fish: What is the Square Grouper?

■ When you are a regular customer at a pot shop and are known for robbing pot shops, it’s probably not a good idea to, once again, do this: What is a stick-up?

■ Just because you’re not wearing skivvies doesn’t mean you’re allowed to have the historical Crystal Palace torn down because you did this: What is shit on the dance floor?

■ It’s easy to identify the lowest-intelligence life forms when they do this at the grocery store: What is buy 3.2% beer?

Sorry, what is walk the wrong way down a one-way aisle?

■ You might wipe out your entire friend group by insisting you go bar-hopping on a truncated version of this holiday: What is Halloween?

The Slopes

SB: On-mountain adventures.

■ This run-lift-run combo is a must-hit during a powder day on Aspen Mountain: What is the “Classic Run” aka Face to 6 to Dumps?

■ Gondolas, shrines, chairlifts or anywhere shielded from the wind can double as venues for these kinds of meeting: What are safety meetings?

■ Another word for Jerry, this unaffectionate term could have had dual meanings on a foggy day in KT Gully during the 2018-19 ski season: What is a Joey?

■ A staple of the senior skier, these kinds of turns take advantage of the entire ski run: What are Jerry curls?

We’re not looking for your next hairdo. What are boundary-to-boundary turns?

■ A haven for steep and deep lovers, this area off of High Alpine on Snowmass can turn into hell real quick if snowboarders don’t keep up their speed, as one Ben Welch experienced in his days as a young Padawan: What is “Wish You Were Here?”

We’re looking for The Wall. Bonus points for where I was when Ben almost quit and went home. What is Gwyn’s?

Nothing But a HAS-pen

BW: Remember these celebrities?

■ This bowling shirt aficionado inspired the only meme worth putting on a shot glass before being arrested in Aspen once for something I dunno what: Who is Charlie Sheen?

■ If this man would have stayed on his bicycle, maybe he wouldn’t have tried to blame his wife for his intoxicated driving: Who is Lance Armstrong?

■ After breakfast at Bonnie’s, this bloated bigot was chased down Aspen Mountain by two women — neither of whom became First Lady: Who is Donny T?

■ Nobody knows who bought an Aspen mansion with a basketball court, but the rumor is it could be this NBA player who missed a season because his ass hurt: Who is Dwight Howard?

■ Shove a crystalized egg up your hoo-ha after visiting this slimy store by Gwyneth Paltrow: What is Goop?

sbeckwith@aspentimes.com bwelch@aspentimes.com


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