Ignore the bad news: This is a war we’re going to win

Good afternoon and thank you for coming. Today we’re going to discuss progress in the War Against Cockroaches.I know some of you have expressed doubts about that war, so let me just start by saying this: We know who you are and we know where you live. Ha-ha! Just joking. Well, actually, not joking at all, but never mind that … back to cockroaches.The success of our war cannot be in doubt. To begin with, we are bigger than they are. A lot bigger. And we have the ultimate weapon: the Foot. Whenever we come face to face with a cockroach – or with hundreds of cockroaches, for that matter – all we need to do is stomp on them. Bye-bye, cockroach.Now, I know that many of you are claiming that we’re not really making any progress. You turn on your kitchen light in the middle of the night and the floor is covered with cockroaches … or so you say. You pick up your sandwich, take a bite and realize that you’ve just bitten down on a mouthful of cockroaches.Well, OK. That’s no fun. I have to admit that. But there’s no need for you to focus on the bad news, is there?For example, there may be a lot of cockroaches in your kitchen … but how about the bedroom? There too? Well, how about the closet? OK, how about the street outside your house? No cockroaches there, are there? And if there were any cockroaches out in the street, you could drive over them with your car, couldn’t you? And, boy, if you think the Foot is an impressive weapon against the evil roach, just think how many cockroaches your car can crush.And in addition to crushing roaches by the millions, your car can carry you away at speeds no cockroach can match – to places where no cockroach can imagine going. So think about that before you spread “bad news” about the roaches in your kitchen.And, as for that mouthful of roaches you got when you ate your lunch – well, to begin with, that was really your own fault, wasn’t it? Did you even look at that sandwich before you took a bite? I don’t think so. If you had, you would have seen those cockroaches. And if you’d seen them, you could have brushed them off. Or shaken them off. Or just taken a bite out of a part of the sandwich that didn’t have any roaches on it.And that’s my point: There was plenty of sandwich without cockroaches – so why are you insisting on focusing all your attention on the roach-covered part that you happened to eat? Let’s accentuate the positive. Let’s eat the part without roaches.Remember, there are people out there who don’t have any sandwiches at all. And that’s what this is all about.I also know that many of you have been arguing that we could get rid of the roaches if we simply cleaned up our kitchens. Get the food scraps off the floor, empty the trash, wash the dishes, you say and … bang! No more roaches.Well, that may be true, as far as it goes, but if we let the roaches force us to clean up … well then, the roaches have won, haven’t they? Cleaning up your kitchen may be a matter of personal virtue to you. But we can’t live in a world where everyone has to worry about being “clean” all the time. That’s just not our way of life. We need to live free. And, by God, we’re not going to cater to cockroaches.Now, I also know that some of you have been complaining about the way some of our brave boys have been pulling the legs off captured cockroaches. Come on, how many legs does a cockroach have? Six? Eight? I don’t know for sure – but I do know they have too damn many … a lot more than they need. We humans get by with just two legs and that’s plenty enough for us. So those cockroaches can certainly spare a couple of legs without any bleeding hearts whining about it.And finally, we have irrefutable information that the cockroaches have been forming alliances with the spiders, the flies and the fleas. They all have too many legs, don’t they? Really, who needs more proof than that? I personally saw two cockroaches pick up a dead fly and carry it away, right in the middle of my kitchen yesterday. More proof. They’re cooperating, so why can’t we?We’re fighting and we’re winning – and we’re doing it without cleaning up our kitchens and without coddling any cockroaches.Thank you for your time. And remember, we know where you live.Andy Stone is former editor of The Aspen Times. His e-mail address is andy@aspentimes.com