Addison Gardner: Always Right

In Copenhagen this week, it will be difficult to distinguish the sex workers from the climate clergy, as sleek limos prowl five-star hotels.

Members of the “world’s oldest profession” will be trolling for clerics of the world’s newest religion: The vendors of carnal delights fishing for the acolytes of anthropogenic warming.

Copenhagen prostitutes are targeting climate clerics, because the Lord Mayor of Copenhagen, Ms. Ritt Bjerregaard, sent postcards to 160 city hotels warning management not to pimp their climate guests to call girls.

Since prostitution is legal in Copenhagen – and even represented by its own pseudo-union, the SIO (“Sex Workers Interest Group”) – Susanne Møller, the group’s spokeswoman, is mud-wrestle mad at Madam Mayor’s postcard blitz.

Complained Møller, “This is sheer discrimination. Ritt Bjerregaard is abusing her position as Lord Mayor in using her power to prevent us carrying out our perfectly legal job. I don’t understand how she can be allowed to contact people in this way.”

In retaliation, prostitutes have been instructed to give “comp romps” to any climate delegate who produces both conference credentials and a hotel warning postcard. Pocket-protected nerds get a Darwinian leg-up for the next 10 days.

If you have a lab coat and a hotel bar receipt, your emissions will be peer-reviewed at local brothels until Dec. 18, after which you will revert to your former, unassuming, e-mail purging self.

Last week in Washington – at almost the exact moment the Earth produced its earliest-ever snowfall in Houston – Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calf.), chairwoman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee, announced her intention to punish the whistleblowers who exposed the East Anglia climate fraud.

Renaming Climategate, “E-mail-theft-gate,” Sen. (“Not Ma’am!”) Boxer told her committee colleagues, “Part of our looking at this [hacked e-mails] will be looking at a criminal activity which could have been coordinated. This is a crime!”

If the chairwoman has her way, the climate-crashers will be blindfolded alongside the kids responsible for the ACORN sting, unless they can be ransomed for national security secrets that embarrass the Bush administration.

The theft of those e-mails has Boxer’s boxers in a twist, but the uncovered effort to defraud developed nations of trillions of dollars spent chasing the UN’s global warming unicorn? Why, that’s “much ado about nothing,” naturally!

It’s not as though these e-mails have exposed a conspiracy to conscript El Salvadoran children into the sex trades, which might shame even a Californian into spiking the government spigot: This was just a few e-mails, taken out of context, and misinterpreted ’cause they used esoteric terminology like “delete,” “trick,” and “hide the decline.”

Under cover of the climate flap, last week, Obama’s Attorney General, Eric Holder, issued a finding that corruption-riddled ACORN could continue receiving federal funding, notwithstanding explicit congressional legislation prohibiting that funding.

This is the same attorney general who overruled his lawyers, last spring, and refused to pursue voter intimidation charges against the clearly guilty, nightstick-slapping Black Panthers who threatened white voters at Philadelphia polling places on Election Day.

If we can ignore the scandal of Obama’s grotesquely politicized Justice Department – what’s a few fudged temperatures, browbeaten journal editors, or blackballed climate skeptics among Babs Boxer and her committee friends?

The New York Times covered Climategate by ignoring it. The paper’s climate reporter, Andrew Revkin (himself implicated in the e-mails) refused to publish them on privacy grounds.

Given the Times’ penchant for publishing anything it retrieved while dumpster-diving behind the Bush White House (or Pentagon), this sudden scrupulousness about “privacy” stinks like bloated roadkill.

The Wall Street Journal ran a column by Bret Stephens last Wednesday, entitled, “Climategate: Follow the Money.” Mr. Stephens shared a story of Roaring Fork relevance: Last year Exxon Mobile contributed $7 million dollars “to a grab bag of public policy institutes including the Aspen Institute.”

Stephens probed the enigma of the hour: “…the deeper question is why the scientists behaved this way to begin with, since the science behind the man-made global warming is said to be firmly settled … it helps to turn the alarmists’ follow-the-money methods right back at them.”

The head of the CRU (Climate Research Unit), Phil Jones, received $19 million in research grants earlier this decade, reported Stephens, “a six-fold increase over what he’d been awarded in the 1990s.”

East Anglia University’s Phil Jones stepped down, last week, and Penn State University issued a press release regarding its investigation of e-mail co-conspirator, Professor Michael Mann, the father of the infamous climate “hockey stick” temperature graph: “The University is looking into this matter further, following a well defined policy used in such cases.”

Meanwhile, trillions of dollars are sloshing around the globe in pursuit of a carbon hobgoblin that lies beneath our beds when the lights are turned out.

Next column: “Internal investigation foxes submit findings on missing climate hens!”