Lo-Fidelity: For whom the Bell Chair tolls

Did you see the article by Westley Crouch about a new Nell/Bell Chair on Aspen Mountain (“New high-speed quad potentially coming to Aspen Mountain,” July 12)? What immediately caught my eye was the historical black-and-white picture. Check it out. The negative was flipped. 

The old Little Nell Chair (painted blue, fixed-grip, center pole, no safety bar) started from the far skier right side of the ski run. The picture shows the opposite, with the Aspen Alps on the skier’s left. If you inspect the angle of the image closely, one could surmise the photographer went full-Spiderman and climbed a lift tower to get the shot. Another possible explanation would be the photo was taken from the first of the two potential unloading stations. 

I recalled that prank we used to play riding the old Little Nell Chair. You’d tell your pal you’re getting off at the first unload station, and then stay on or, better yet, tell them to stay on, act casual, then suddenly get-off and ski over to Bell Chair, forcing them to make the hasty decision to jump off or ride up to the top terminal.

Back to the photo. The couple in the first chair are both wearing cat eye Vuarnets, “the” sunglasses of the day. The female has those hip, Roffe stretch pants with the flared (I’m imagining), red nylon bottoms. My buddy Christian Williams used to sport those. I’d seriously consider wearing padded stretch pants for a season if they were re-introduced. Her chairlift buddy has a lightning-fast pair of Fischer RC4 skis.  Also, if you look carefully, it appears as if the guy on the left in the second chair is rolling a joint. In the background at street level sits Shlomo’s restaurant, where my old buddy Ron worked in the kitchen, splitting his time between there, Takah Sushi, and Gordon’s. 

In my lifetime, I’ve seen every single base area redeveloped, some twice. A common theme? The bottom of Little Nell used to be significantly wider. Each spring, like clockwork, a mini lake would form at the bottom, creating a spontaneous pond skim/hellish frozen puddle. I can still hear the forlorn cries of “Single!” and smell the stench of calamari and stale beer wafting over from the old Tippler. 

When the Silver Queen gondola was built, smack dab in the middle, the unfortunate effect was to split the once spacious run into a serpent’s tongue. There’s a part of me that wishes the base of the gondola had been cheated a little bit more over to the left, but what the heck would I know about redeveloping a base area? Ever since I toured the Poma facility in Grand Junction last year, I fancy myself an armchair ski lift expert.

The Silver Queen Gondola did to Aspen Mountain what Walmart did to Glenwood Springs, forever changing skier traffic patterns, killing the Bell chair, and putting the Ruthie’s side of the mountain — including the restaurant — out of business. The biggest complaint by locals when the gondola opened was “Wait, we have to take our skis off?”

As I absorbed the proposed plans for the Nell-Bell high speed quad, I tried to picture the new lift terminal and visualize how much more real estate that was going to occupy. The base area seems kinda cramped already. I have no emotional tie to the current Nell chairlift other than night skiing. I take that back … I saw Brent Gardner Smith fall-off Nell chair once when I was a host on “Ski TV.” 

Will no Nell lift = no more night skiing or torchlight parade? I pondered … If I had a dry-erase board of our four ski areas, a clean slate, and an unlimited budget, where would I put the chairlifts? Consider the imaginary exercise a game of Aspen Chairlift Monopoly.

First things first: Each mountain would feature a top-to-bottom gondola. Since everything is a competition on Ajax — “The athlete’s mountain” — Aspen mountain would have a new, competing top-to-bottom gondola originating at the bottom of 1A. The new Bell chair would be a fixed grip two-seater similar to lift 6, from just below lift 3 to the top of Bell. 

All four ski areas would have high speed Pit Viper bubble chairs with heated seats and free Wi-Fi. And pomas. There would be at least one poma on each mountain. If the gondolas went down due to a mechanical or high wind, everyone would be given a complimentary pair of skins and an encouraging pat on the back. I’m still wrestling ethically and emotionally with what kind of surface lift to put up Highland Bowl.

It’s not unheard of to hear someone complain about the lift layout at Snowmass. What’s the best way to ski Snowmass? Some say by taking the nearest bus to Ajax. The first thing I’d do is extend the Campground lift (the 1A of Snowmass) all the way up to Sam’s Knob again. Now that Krabloonik is kaput and the incessant dog barking has ceased, I imagine the mental health of the neighborhood has improved dramatically. 

As we move closer to the inevitable replacement of the old Bell Chair, it’ll be fascinating to hear the complaints, criticism, acceptance, and ultimately people taking credit for the new lift. I’m dying to hear all the public comments. What I really want to know, though, is if SkiCo is going to sell the old Bell chairs to the general public? If they do, those chairs are going to be a hot ticket. Wha,t’d you think they’d sell for? I’d pay $279 (exclusive price for season passholders only) and claim the one that has the sections of green garden hose on the footrest. That, to me, is the Bell chair dripping with OG messy vitality that defines the old historic lift. Remember, in Aspen you’re only as good as your last run down the Ridge of Bell. 

Contact Lorenzo via suityourself@sopris.net.