Lead with Love: Wholehearted, not guarded

I became acquainted with the term wholehearted by the author and speaker Brené Brown, who spoke about it in her viral TED Talk “The Power of Vulnerability” and the related book “Daring Greatly.” In the book, Brown starts off by quoting President Theodore Roosevelt: “It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again … who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

I love that quote — the only thing I would change, of course, is to add man or woman and he and she, but we get the idea. Daring greatly means to lean in, to press forward even into uncomfortable territory when not only mind — but often body, as well — desires to retreat to stay “safe.” I put safe in quotation marks because I think it’s an illusion that withdrawing, at least emotionally, makes us safe. Yes, certainly in a duel it would keep us safe, and I don’t think there is one of us who saw the play “Hamilton” that didn’t wish Hamilton insist that his young son retreat from the duel that killed him. Standing forward for something like honor or pride can get you killed. Standing up for your own truth and integrity can lead to a wholehearted, deeply fulfilling life. 

After reading “The Way of Integrity” by Martha Beck recently and listening to a few books by the incredible family therapist Terry Real, I’ve found a deeper commitment to vulnerability and truth. Easier said than done. I have also discovered a deeeeeep habit of avoidant and adaptive behavior. Yikes! And, how exciting. One of my deepest held family values is that life is for learning. The learning orientation changes everything and brings things into perspective. I may absolutely suck at leaning into uncomfortable situations that may involve conflict now, but I am learning how to do it because of my commitment to living wholeheartedly and in truth. 

I want to share Brown’s 10 guideposts that characterize wholehearted living that are based on her thousands of hours of scientific research. These guideposts are a great reminder for anyone who read her work or an invitation to learn more for anyone who isn’t familiar with her work. I ask you not only to read these guideposts but to pause and contemplate each one to see where you may be living them or not. If you’re not, can you become a half a shade braver as the poet David Whyte talks about in his gorgeous works to cultivate the courage to live more wholeheartedly?

The 10 guideposts to wholehearted living:

1. Cultivating Authenticity: Let go of what people think and embrace your true self
2. Cultivating Self-Compassion: Let go of perfectionism, and be kind to yourself, understanding that failure is a part of life
3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Let go of numbing and powerlessness to build a spirit that can withstand hardship
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Let go of scarcity and the fear of the dark, and practice appreciation for life’s blessings to invite joy
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Let go of the need for certainty, and instead trust your inner wisdom and faith
6. Cultivating Creativity: Let go of comparison, and engage in creative activities as a natural part of being human
7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Let go of exhaustion as a status symbol and the idea that productivity equals self-worth to prioritize play and rest
8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Let go of anxiety as a lifestyle, and find moments of quiet to be present
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Let go of self-doubt and the pressure of “supposed to,” focusing instead on work that brings meaning
10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Let go of the pressure to be cool or always in control, and embrace moments of joyful self-expression. 

The work I am drawn to these days is about cultivating connection, relatability, and vulnerability. We all need a sense of belonging and connection in our lives, and to have that in an authentic way, we need to learn to open our hearts and trust and to take risks to become a half a shade braver. I truly believe we are all one, and, so often — especially in this deeply polarizing political landscape — I find myself judging others. You can not be in judgment and loving at the same time. As the T-shirt I am wearing right now from my own organization says, “I Choose Love,” and if I don’t do that, I know I still have a lot of learning to do. The ultimate Ph.D. in life is to be one who chooses love, who responds with compassion instead of reacting in fear and buying into the illusion of separation. This means overriding our own biology, physiology, and psychology, and the patterned, predictable, conditioned responses that create separation as we withdraw into the “safety” of the known. When we stop to choose, to shift those responses, we graduate into a whole new level of living. One defined by unbearable compassion and joy. This is the power of choice and being wholehearted — not guarded. 

Gina Murdock is the founder and Director of Lead with Love, an Aspen-based non-profit organization dedicated to shifting culture from fear to love. Join Lead with Love for our free offerings at True Nature Caring for Caregivers. More info at http://www.ileadwithlove.org.