Lead with Love: Is it true?

I had a chance to spend a week with one of my favorite spiritual teachers last month and watching her in action reminded me what is possible with an open mind: Freedom! 

Byron Katie, called Katie by all who know her, created a process called “The Work” after an epiphany she had in her early 40s after struggling with crippling depression. Thousands and thousands of people have been freed from the tyranny of victimization, martyrdom, addiction, oppression, depression and fear by this method. I am one of them.

Katie describes her epiphany in 1986 as follows: I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that.

I was impressed and inspired to hear that Katie was recently called to work with many of the young people in Israel who witnessed or were part of the gruesome attack Oct. 7 by Hamas that resulted in the horror we are witnessing in Gaza today. She did “The Work” with these young men and women and said she was touched how open they were. Can you imagine? This work is powerful. 

We hosted Byron Katie as part of our Lead with Love annual retreat in Aspen in 2019. I know many people got a taste of her work then, but to sit with her for five days in her center in Ojai, California was life-changing. What a gift. I want to share the method with you here for the chance you might take the opportunity to look it up and learn more and share it with the people in your life that could use it — i.e. all of us.

The Work is a process of self-inquiry based on four questions and a turnaround. The worksheets are available for free online at http://www.thework.org. The idea is to question your thoughts. As Lao Tzu, the Chinese philosopher and writer, said, “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” This quote always stuck with me and I’ve made it one of my daily intentions to watch my thoughts. It’s a powerful practice. Even more powerful is to question my thoughts. 

To do The Work, you must first start with a list of complaints or judgements you have about a person or situation. This is not hard to do for most of us. I had a few pages of beliefs to question after the first 15 minutes in class. Katie encouraged us to be as petty and judgmental as we could. It was fun. The next step is to question those beliefs starting with, “Is It True?” She uses the example, “Paul lied to me,” sharing that she caught her ex-husband smoking when he said he quit. Second question, “Can you absolutely know that it’s true?” At this stage she asks us to really sit in inquiry. In her case, she didn’t actually see Paul smoking, but she smelled it. Was it absolutely true? Next question, “How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?” This is the chance to really get into all the nasty judgements of this person or situation and feel how it feels to think that way. Usually, not so good. Next question, “Who would you be without that thought?”

I personally learned the most by sitting in the fourth question: Who would I be without this thought? I almost immediately felt lighter, more relaxed, less stuck and more free when I really sat with what my life would be like, what I would feel like, without the thought or belief I was holding on to. It may seem confusing or a spiritual bypass to read about this method. I know when I shared it with friends and family over a decade ago when I discovered it many were angered by it asking, “What am I supposed to do just let people walk all over me? What if they really betrayed me or lied to me?” This “fight” is understandable.

It’s the orientation of the ego to want and need to be right. When we start to question our thoughts we can get to a place where we understand the cost of fighting to be right all the time and making other people wrong. It’s war. If we want to be free, we have to get to a place where we consciously choose what we think, feel and say. We can have more dominion over those things if we question our thoughts starting with, “Is it true?” 

Gina Murdock is the Founder and Director of Lead with Love, an Aspen, Colo. based nonprofit dedicated to shifting culture from fear to love. Learn more about her and her upcoming retreat in Greece at http://www.ileadwithlove.org and more about “The Work” at http://www.thework.com.

Gina Murdock is the founder of Lead with Love, an Aspen, Colo. based non-profit org dedicated to shifting culture from fear to love and a board member of CASA of the Ninth dedicated to advocating for children who are neglected and abused. More info at www.ileadwithlove.org