Nuts for some Series tickets
What would you be willing to trade for a few coveted tickets to the World Series this weekend?Take a moment to review your personal assets. We all know money talks, but would you pony up your car, your pet, your organs or your Van Halen tickets?Sure sounds ridiculous, right? Not so for all those Rockophiles out there who are offering everything but the kitchen sink for a seat at Coors – scratch that, I just scrolled down on my computer screen and there is a porcelain sink available. How much is a kidney worth? A person in Colorado Springs has one he’s not using and is hoping to trade it for two tickets. If you call or e-mail soon, he might even consider throwing in a Labrador retriever with an affinity for chewing lawn furniture.One woman will part with her boyfriend’s pug for two tickets. “A game will only last a few hours,” the ad states, “but the years of joy left in this little cutie are absolutely priceless!” She makes a valid point, but what are the odds the guy sitting next to you at the game will crap on your rug?A Denver gentleman is trading the wheels of his Ferrari and estimates the value at more than $7,000. What do you do with a Ferrari with no wheels? I know these tickets are desirable – if I didn’t know better, I’d think Denver was a baseball town – but a luxury sports car makes for one expensive driveway ornament.Now here’s a sensible trade. A state dentist is offering a free exam, full mouth x-rays, fillings, extractions and up to two crowns for tickets to any of the three home games. I’d hold out for a free root canal or a tank of laughing gas before pulling the trigger. Two tickets can get you a 2000 Mitsubishi Eclipse (with a carbon fiber hood, no less), a pool table, a hot tub, Hannah Montana tickets, or round-trip airfare from L.A., San Francisco or Vancouver to Australia or New Zealand. It could get you $250 and a Coors Field replica jack-o-lantern – it’s “especially useful for winning your office carving contest or entertaining trick-or-treaters next week” … and rots in three weeks. How come the Times doesn’t have a carving contest? Oh, that’s right, we’re not allowed to handle knives. It could get you free tattoos, one week at an Aspen or Keystone condo, your house painted, a Nintento Wii or a dune buggy. Did I mention the buggy comes with a trailer?A Denver-area masseuse will trade one 60-minute deep tissue massage each week for six months for one ticket. I’d hold onto that ticket until you find out if this masseuse is a man or woman – this is the reason why I don’t like surprises. A “6’5, attractive, successful, well educated man in his late 20’s” and his “equally intelligent and incredibly hot fiancé” will hand over their first born for the right seats. “The way we see it, we have our whole lives to make as many kids as we want, but the chances of the Rox making it to the World Series again in our lifetime is not quite as assured,” the ad states. Talk about doing whatever it takes for tickets and delivering on your promise. I think I’ll stop right there. One Denver resident is offering some “gramma lovin.” I didn’t bother e-mailing for details – I want to be able to eat dinner tonight.Another diehard is confronting the “hairy” task of securing seats in a most resourceful way. He is offering his forest of a chest for advertising space. “Rain, snow, or sleet and advertise for you for the duration of the game (or at least until I catch pneumonia),” he writes. My guess is this guy’s inbox is still empty. But the one fan willing to go to the greatest lengths to demonstrate his commitment to his team? That would be the Colorado man who has a unique offer: “Willing to trade my left nut for a ticket.” He’s looking for “anything but rockpile.” Do me a favor: If you’re looking to trade your tickets, go with Hannah Montana, not Rocky Mountain oysters.Jon Maletz, a.k.a. “The Hammer,” is willing to trade his Jeep, two Creedence tapes, a Crest Spinbrush, Nate Peterson’s girlfriend’s cockapoo and a 24-inch Sanyo with poor picture quality for a ticket to Sunday’s game. E-mail him at email@example.com.
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