Writing Switch: A Spatial Oddity | AspenTimes.com

Writing Switch: A Spatial Oddity

Benjamin Welch and Sean Beckwith

About a week ago (yes, that’s all the longer it’s been), Utah Jazz star Rudy Gobert broke the entire world by touching everybody’s things like a jackass and canceling the NBA. A few days later, businesses and organizations from Arby’s to your local handbell choir are tripping over themselves to shut down our entire society with somber emails that start with “Dear family and friends” and end in “We did not make this decision lightly.”

Many people in the employee-housing segment of Aspen are feeling the pinch — us too, as a portion of our income is derived from sports betting.* Out of boredom, we started shouting random wagers like “$50 says Nick Foles will start again for the Jaguars!” and “I bet you don’t know who’s on the $100,000 bill!”

So this week we play bookie and get those gambling endorphins flowing — minus bacteria-ridden cards and chips — by offering future odds on apocalyptic Aspen.

(Keep in mind that we wrote this some number of days ago, so if any jokes actually come to fruition about Gov. Polis mandating chastity belts or how the only people who will survive are the ones who did, indeed, panic … well, sorry.)

*But not a significant enough portion of our income that needs to be filed on our W-2s.

Do you have the coronavirus, or are you just hungover?

Hungover (-500)

Coronavirus (+1200)

SB: Ah, this is an interesting proposition in a time of uncertainty and certainly not sobriety when the slightest cough, headache or bout of booze sweats is scrutinized by the expertise of Dr. WebMDs everywhere. Do I actually think I have coronavirus when the only thing I’ve done in the past couple weeks on my “Did I COVID?” radar was smoke a bowl with a few friends in Snowmass.

My hands are cracking because of I’ve washed them enough times to make a germaphobe say “That’s probably excessive.” I have booze, weed and food reserves of a typical party of 18 staying in a Snowmass condo for a week. (That’s inside hospitality for an FT of supplies.) There’s no reason for me to leave my house other than to potentially waste a great Lakers season. However, I want sports back. I’ve debated getting into E-sports. Lord, help me. Bet the favorite.

Which activity will you spend more time doing in isolation?

Video games (-250)

Self pleasure (+400)

BW: I hate all the video games I’m currently playing (“NBA2K20,” “Rocket League,” “Overwatch”), so will probably take the time to finish my novel, “Three Car Seats Outside Rockford Illinois,” or start “Jedi: Fallen Order” and finish “Red Dead Redemption 2.” I think the longer my pseudo-quarantined frustrations pent up, the healthier it is to play single-player games and avoid competition. I’m kind of the throwy type and not a fan of the sportsmanship movement. Day One was a real come-to-Skywalker moment.

Playing all day was more comfortable after shuffling the couch cushions, because my favorite spot’s getting too squishy.** With your standard three-cushion couch I prefer the center-left quadrant, which is ironic since I’m more center-right philosophically (#donthateme).

I’m not sitting in the middle of the crack. I prefer sinking into the precipice and resting my thigh on the slightly-raised portion of the left cushion. It’s a fulcrum that gives me leverage in Xbox controller gripping when my teammates *ahem* waste another opportunity and I’m tempted *ahem* to throw it at my refrigerator.

Anyway, $1 million on self pleasure.

**Cushions is a word you can spell six different ways and it never looks right.

How many days of uphilling will we do now that Aspen-Snowmass lifts are closed?

Over/Under 2.5 days

SB: Asking me to uphill is akin to asking me to do CrossFit. If there was a really good reason to do either, I haven’t found it. However, now that the lifts are closed because Aspen let coronavirus in like a Trojan Horse, I’m strongly considering trying new things. (Maybe if the pandemic response team was called a “Space Force,” it would’ve been spared Donny T’s wrath? Yeah, I don’t think so either.) No, I’m not going to try beets again but I may try smearing a bunch of sunscreen on my face and not rubbing it in all the way before trudging up a mountain.

My guess is that, like the Highland Bowl, I’ll get disinterested about halfway up and just drop in. If the O/U was 2.5 half days, then I’d say take the overs. But betting that I’ll make it up Tiehack AND find a splitboard to borrow for three full days is a worse bet than trying to find TP at a grocery store after noon.

Which generation is more upset about one killing the other?

Greta Thunberg at climate deniers (-400)

Old people at millennials going ahead with that EDM concert anyway (+500)

BW: Most of the anger old people feel is resentment at the fact millenials always have something to do. “Everyone is addicted to their screens!” Well, yeah grandma, but it’s better than reading WorldVentures magazine in the dentist’s waiting room.

The nationwide shut-in is the first test of modern society’s ability to stave off boredom. Some people are complaining that they’re lonely and under quarantine without a significant other. I am not. Can you imagine being trapped in close quarters with children, or a grumpy girlfriend, for two months? Don’t know who is able to hold in their farts for that long.

Shit, I ain’t showered since last Wednesday, although sometimes I stick my belly outside the patio door to get some fresh air. I’m also not wasting quarters on laundry since I just wear my “pajamas” (in quotations because I actually sleep nude) except when I need to throw on a shirt for a Zoom meeting, and that’s only half an outfit anyway.

And so I ask, HOW DARE YOU?, and simp away $400 on my girl Greta.

Who is happier about distractions caused by the coronavirus pandemic?

Donald Trump (+700)

Sean Beckwith (+250)

Skippy Mesirow (EVEN)

Lee Mulcahy (-1000)

SB: We can rule me and your boy DT out of the equation. I haven’t watched sports or listened to sports-related podcasts in a week and counting. I have enough video games and streaming services to keep me entertained because we all know I ain’t putting out “King Lear” anytime soon. Trump, well, he seemed more upset that he had to admit he lied on national TV than that he came in contact with someone who had coronavirus.

As far as notable local figures go, I’m not sure Insta-storying COVID-19 confirmations is really the best use of that platform but you have to gain influencer status somehow. Also, the federal government has made mention of easing evictions and things of that sort, so insert Stanley Hudson “I couldn’t be happier” gif here for Lee. Pump the favorite.

sbeckwith@aspentimes.com bwelch@aspentimes.com