The Princess: A moveable feast — of broccoli?
The Aspen Princess
So I’m on day seven of this 10-day cleanse, and I still can’t button my pants.
I know it’s probably a lot to ask that I bounce back into shape. But I thought I should nip this in the bud before it gets too out of control.
Hello, I couldn’t drink beer for almost a year! Can you imagine? And then I had that gestational diabetes thing and they had to put me on a low-sugar diet and make me monitor my blood sugar levels four times a day. I’m not sure if I told you guys about that or not, but I couldn’t eat any of the fun stuff pregnant girls eat like ice cream or French toast or snicker doodle cookies, all of which were tasting pretty damn good around the end of my second trimester.
I’ve struggled with my weight all my life, so I’m always looking for an excuse to explain why it’s so hard for me: It’s on account of coming from a stock of Russian peasants who survived cold winters on nothing but potatoes and vodka and so it totally screwed up my metabolism! It’s definitely a thyroid problem. That’s got to be it. No! It’s the polycystic ovaries! They say that causes a pooch belly, among other unpleasant and unattractive side effects. I should be glad I don’t have a hairy chin. I mean, a little chub around the middle isn’t that bad.
But then I did this blood-sugar thing and it was like, oh, my god! I am super sensitive to carbs. Don’t think just because the pasta is made out of quinoa or brown rice that you’re going to trick your body, because you’re not. One bite of that stuff and my blood-sugar was through the roof. Ditto that for a slice of toast, gluten-free this-or-that or any other foods that are supposed to be good for you but really aren’t.
In the end I did learn a lot, like this little thing called portion control. And I had a motivation to eat healthy for the health of my baby. I ended up losing 5 pounds in my third trimester and leaned out quite a bit. I only gained 24 pounds total and lost almost all of it within the first two weeks.
And then I started gaining.
This was probably on account of rediscovering all those yummy carbs I’d been missing, not to mention beer.
When I went in for my six-week follow-up, I decided that if I weighed more than 140 pounds, I’d do this 10-day cleanse that all my yoga friends were raving about.
I weighed 140.5.
I was a little skeptical at first because the company that sells the cleanse has one of those multi-level marketing things where they want you to run around and sell it to all your friends like Tupperwear or Mary Kay Cosmetics. Plus, it’s a lot of supplements and a drink mix, so you really don’t know what you’re getting unless you want to send it to a lab and pay to have it analyzed. I actually saw a thing on TV where they tested all these supplements sold at major chain drugstores and they had nothing in them but filler. Supplements are not controlled by the FDA, so there’s no way to know what you’re getting. So you just better hope it is what they say it is — not ground-up body parts or recycled Astro Turf.
So you pay $250 for the whole 10-day cleanse, which sounds like a lot, but I figure I spend at least $25 a day when I’m eating actual food. Plus, I can rationalize almost any purchase if I try.
Plus, my friends who did this cleanse are both skinny and gorgeous. Even though they are kind of naturally that way, they did get a little skinnier and even more gorgeous after they did the cleanse. And even though the way they talk about this product makes it sound like it’s sort of a cult, I have to keep in mind that the type of yoga we do also is kind of a cult, and look how that turned out. Even though our guru got sued for molesting a bunch of his female students, it’s like my favorite thing in the entire world.
So my box came in the mail and it was super heavy, not just from all the bottles of pills and green drink mix but because of all the materials for me to go out and sell this stuff. Yeah, no.
So for the last week, I’ve been on this program where I either take supplements or drink the yucky green stuff every two hours. Oh! But I am allowed to eat. I can have a one-cup serving of green vegetables or a half an avocado three times a day if I get hungry. It’s like a feast. I think I cheated a little and had almost two cups of broccoli the other night. Hopefully the cleanse police won’t find out.
Speaking of my in-laws, they’re still here, so they’ve taken this opportunity to eat all the stuff I don’t like so as not to tempt me during mealtime. So far they’ve had pretty much anything they can think of that involves a casserole dish with some kind of meat and dairy combo. I feel like a freak when I sit down with my spinach sautéed in coconut oil, but hey, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do, right?
Still, I have this loose gut and a horrible case of backne that better go away before summertime or I’m going to cry and bang my fists and stomp my feet.
But to quote something my mother told me once when I was frustrated with yet another diet, “Just think of how fat you’d be if you didn’t do it!”
The Princes wants to wish her mother a very happy birthday today. Email your love to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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Two Rivers Unitarian-Universalist Church, in conjunction with the Roaring Fork Valley’s Interfaith Council and Sanctuary Unidos, is showing a Zoom presentation of the documentary “Welcome Strangers” at 10 a.m. Sunday.