The pandemic in Aspen/Snowmass, by the numbers
While officials from Aspen, Snowmass Village and Pitkin County are monitoring the health and economic impacts of the Covid-19 situation, new data has emerged illustrating how the pandemic is affecting everyday local life. A summary of the findings reveals the following numbers:
The number of people witnessed not wearing masks while hiking Smuggler on Thursday morning.
The number of people who Facebooked about the 9 people witnessed not wearing masks while hiking Smuggler on Thursday morning.
The number of letter-to-the-editor writers opposed to fluoride and 5G who also happen to have a theory about Covid-19.
The percentage mark-up of an 18-pack of Charmin ultra-soft toilet paper at Sandy’s Office Supply in Aspen compared to literally everywhere else that sells the exact same toilet paper. (For real.)
The percentage of shoppers who think the one-way stickers on the Aspen City Market aisle floors don’t apply to them.
The number of people in Snowmass Village who think they must yell to be heard by the postal employee separated by a curtain.
The percentage of registered voters who feel in their bones that Aspen City Councilman Skippy Mesirow doesn’t totally hate that the coronavirus pandemic distracted from his now-infamous 2019 Christmas week “right people” social-media rant.
The number of registered voters apt to forget Mesirow’s “right people” rant when he’s up for reelection in three years.
The number of emails sent since March 13 that have started with “During these uncertain times.”
The number of people who expressed surprise upon hearing that the open-carry friendly Shooters Grill in Rifle, which is owned by 3rd Congressional District candidate Lauren Boebert, reopened to maskless dine-in customers on May 9 in defiance of state public health orders.
The number of people who have said they will be even more surprised when they hear in approximately 10 days about how a new Covid-19 outbreak cluster has emerged among Shooters Grill customers and staff.
The median IQ score of the people who think everything should open immediately with zero restrictions because this is America, damnit.
The percentage of locals who have spent time around the campfire in Fruita and Moab bemoaning the influx of Aspen’s second-home owners.
The actual number of f—s given by locals posting on social media about their getaways (including to Fruita and Moab) amidst a global pandemic.
The number of people impressed by your good hair day. In these uncertain times, most people are willing to sacrifice a good hair day in order to wear a mask and save lives. And then there’s you, with the good hair, not wearing a mask. Tsk.
The percentage of people who, if they weren’t abundantly grateful for the life-saving work done by Aspen Family Connections (and their mountain of volunteers) before the pandemic, are now considering writing them into their will.
The number of people who admitted to using “social distance” as both a verb and an adjective over the past seven days.
The percentage of people who admitted to feeling some amount of shame or self-loathing for having used “social distance” as both a verb and an adjective.
The number of hours my kids spent on screens last week.
If asked, the number of hours that I will say my kids spent on screens last week.
The percentage of families who adopted dogs during quarantine that are now wondering if they still would have had kids if they had gotten the dog first.
The percentage of local parents giving thanks to the Colorado gods for the good fortune of living, raising and distance-learning a family in a state that recognizes marijuana shops as pandemic-essential businesses.
The number of locals who know for sure they had Covid-19 back in January because they suffered from symptoms that were way more like the crud than coronavirus.
The percentage of people who are delighted to be self-isolating in Aspen/Snowmass rather than a big city (although 234 percent of the 98 percent wouldn’t mind having big-city take-out options available).
The number of people who admit they miss sitting in rush-hour traffic to and from Aspen each day.
The percentage of people who were kidding about missing Aspen traffic. The other 25 percent didn’t actually hear the question correctly.
More at MeredithCarroll.com and on Twitter @MCCarroll.
There is something winsome and captivating about rounding that final bend off of the rustic, rural Brush Creek Road to find the town of Snowmass Village nestled so harmoniously into this mountainous valley.
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