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Smith: I coulda been a professor

Barry Smith
Irrelativity

If you’ve checked out the fall 2013 Colorado Mountain College catalog, you’ve probably noticed that none of the classes are being taught by me. Again. Thing is, though, I submitted what I thought was a very impressive list of proposed classes that I was both willing and qualified to teach. And, just like last year, and the year before, I received no reply.

I feel like I have a lot to offer the community, and perhaps someday the CMC decision-makers will share my opinion. Meanwhile, below is the list of classes that you’ll once again be missing out on this semester.

Fall CMC classes that I won’t — but should — be teaching:

ART

Ceramics 103 —Wheel Working With Live Nude Model

We’ll hang out and throw some pots while looking at a naked person. Very relaxing for everyone — except probably the naked person. If time allows, we’ll also learn glazing or something. (Prerequisite: Art 152 — Nude Landscape Painting.)

ACCOUNTING

Accounting 100 — Introduction to Accounting

This course consists of a quick Googling of “What, exactly, is accounting?” then taking turns reading aloud from various resulting links. Trust me, this is for the best, as you do not want to learn accounting from me. (Prerequisite: Ability to spell/type “accounting.”)

COMPUTERS

Social Media 1A — How to Be Excited About Twitter for Almost a Week

You’ve heard about the Twitter, but you just don’t know if it’s for you. Well, without giving too much away, it isn’t. But it’s best that you give it a try for five or six days before completely losing interest, so at least you can feel you have a firsthand understanding of how you don’t understand it. (Prerequisite: Social Media 3A — How to Quit Facebook for Almost a Week.)

Computer 220 — How to “Organize” Your Desktop

This one-day class is for the chronic user of the confusing and ineffective “misc.” folder. We’ll explore newer and greater computer-desktop-organizing systems, including the “various” folder, the “etc.” folder and the “stuff” folder.

Photoshop 115 — Retouching Old Family Photos

Topics covered include “Removing unwanted relatives from group portraits,” “Adding pounds and/or skin conditions to unwanted relatives” and “Comical mustache drawing.” (Prerequisite: Photoshop 114 — Mullet Removal.)

HUMANITIES

Philosophy 100 — Introduction to Philosophy

We’ll take turns Googling “What, exactly, is philosophy?” then reading aloud from our results. (Prerequisite: Literature 100 — What, Exactly, Is Literature?)

Introductions 201 — Introduction to Introductions

This incredibly useful and robust class deals with that specific situation where you’re talking to someone at a party whose name you don’t remember, then somebody else whose name you also don’t remember walks up, and it quickly becomes clear that these people don’t know each other, and they’re both awkwardly waiting for you to introduce them, but you’re suddenly really interested in whatever scraps of food you have left on your tiny plate.

MEDICINE

Dentistry 95 — Home Dentistry Made Easy

Why hand your mouth over to the so-called “professionals” when you can do most, if not all, of the work yourself? From tooth scraping to eventual tooth pulling, this painfully exhaustive course will guide you through the shockingly easy-to-learn world of DIY dentisting. (Access to novocaine not required but recommended.)

MUSIC

Guitar 208 — How to Play That One Blues Lick

We’ll learn to play that one blues lick. You know that one really cool one that you hear in almost every blues song? We’ll learn it, and then we’ll play it over and over again for the duration of the 10-week class. (Prerequisite: Guitar 207 — Smoke on the Water.)

PHYSICAL EDUCATION

Yoga 90 — Introduction to 90-Second Yoga

Too busy for one of those two-hour yoga classes? Yeah, totally, me too. This three-minute class includes 30 seconds of chitchat, a full minute and a half of intense yoga and then a minute of cool down/meditation/more chitchat. Perfect for the person who doesn’t have time for yoga but really likes telling people that they’ve just come from their yoga class. (Prerequisite: Phys Ed 215 — Ski Shampooing and Conditioning.)

SCIENCE

Biology 203 — What Kind of Spider Is This That I’m About to Kill?

Text required, but any text will do, so long as it’s big enough to squash a spider. There will be a field trip. (Prerequisite: Biology 202 — What Kind of Snake Is This That I’m Screaming and Running From?)

Professor Barry Smith’s column appears Mondays. More at http://www.barrysmith.com.


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