Sean Beckwith: The wait is (almost) over
Out of all of 2020’s awful attributes, the one that stands out most is how it has tested our patience. Obviously, 2020 will be remembered for the pandemic, but the fact that it has forced a culture not accustomed to waiting anymore to do just that speaks to how Americans have handled this crisis.
Other than waiting for a vaccine, we’ve waited to get out of lockdown; to get election results; for the loser to concede; to see our families; to see our friends; to go on vacation; to get tested; to get the results; to play football; to watch football; to tee off; to get into the grocery store; to receive stimulus relief; for toilet paper, paper towels, soap and hand sanitizer to get in stock; to sign up for unemployment; to get a ski pass; and the list goes on.
While some of us have shown more patience than others, some refuse to wait on anything but life to return to normal. Until you’ve seen a person go “You wouldn’t like me when I’m hangry” while waiting for a table at the Woody Creek Tavern, you can’t fathom the toll waiting can inflict on a person.
So, in honor of waiting, here are the top five worst waits:
5. Waiting on your Amazon package
I don’t care if it’s a rubber band, whatever is coming from Amazon is of the utmost importance. Hell yes I want that two-day shipping on my power cube. I have so many things to plug in.
The worst is when you’re not a Prime member and have to wait for the free shipping. I know I’m not your No. 1 customer, but can you please enlist someone other than Arya Stark to deliver my parcels? Are you lugging my anchovies and pizza flour from Louisville or across war-ravaged Westeros? For the love of god, I just want a cherry for my Old Fashioned!
4. Waiting at the post office
What I find remarkable is not the lack of backup for the understaffed, overworked employees of the post office, but rather the bullshit brought in by people who frequent the post office. How much can you possibly have to send to Germany? I don’t think Ulga “needs to try a Twix.” She has high-end German chocolate that probably puts Twix to shame. (That’s false. Twix bars are on par with any candy but, seriously Jerry, I’m pretty sure candy bars aren’t going to get you that mail-order bride. You need cash for that.)
When I grab packages for the condos I work at, there’s no one more demoralized than the Snowmass post office employee. And I empathize. There’s no reason to receive more packages than days of vacation. The 12 Days of Christmas this is not and I don’t have the slightest clue where your four colly birds are. Maybe next time you’ll put your name on the address label instead of a vague “Snowmass condos.”
3. Waiting on school/class to get out
Is there anything longer than the last class of the day? I don’t know exactly why they made 3:10 p.m. the end of school, but I’m pretty sure that extra 10 minutes is a just a middle finger to the students. I stopped listening after lunch but, sure, go ahead and continue with your history lesson.
I also went to school before cellphones, so I knew the location of the clock in each classroom, hallway, lunchroom, gym, etc. That thing could not move any slower, and I’m not capable of counting down the seconds a la Will Hunting, so I was left with the ticking of the seconds hand doing its best Chinese water torture impression.
2. Christmas day
I still get amped for Christmas morning, and I’m not sure if that says more about my inability to afford to “Treat myself” or that I’m perpetually 5 years old. Falling asleep is a little easier now due to a few adult eggnogs, but I have no idea how I ever slumbered as a kid. Maybe someone should have reminded me every Christmas Eve that at some point the next day, you’re going to get something you don’t want/didn’t ask for.
That way, instead of trying to force a smile, you’re just happy for whatever it is — even though it’s not a PS5. The nice thing about this year is you don’t have to trudge to 17 different relatives’ houses to eat a different version of the same Christmas meal before getting to play with your toys. A quick FaceTime, some thanks you’s and Merry Christmas’ and then it’s time for a little Spider-man.
1. For that ‘Rona vaccine
People are being pushed to the brink financially, emotionally, socially, sexually. Eventually, Tinder profile pictures are just going to be sexts you sent your ex. If you thought app dating already lacked decorum, wait until you glimpse the post-vaccine thirst.
Bars are going to need PDA policies, and enough booze to handle a College Gameday crowd. People are going to be “Eye wide shut”ting everywhere. The only thing you’ll need a mask for is to get into the orgy.
And that applies to restaurants, too, because there’s going to be some shameful people out there who’ve had enough Hungry Man microwave dinners for a lifetime.
“It said all you can eat shrimp, goddammit. Either I’m getting gout or getting carried out.”
I can’t wait to go to a movie theater and go butter-pump-to-mouth.
“Sir, please, this is a family establishment. Butter is not meant to be used as a lubricant. Ma’am, take you breasts out of the nacho cheese or I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Happy holidazzzzzze! Just a few more months of crying alone!
Sean Beckwith would like to give honorable mentions to the DMV and when you had to download porn from Limewire. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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