Sean Beckwith: Jokes and jokes and spaghetti
During a recent end-of-season party at Mezzaluna in Willits for my part-time job, I was able to catch up with some co-workers I saw sparingly during the season. (I only work weekends so I don’t get the full experience that is 40 hours a week at a front desk. Tragic, I know.)
However, that’s neither here nor there. I got to talking to a friend of mine over chicken parmesan who writes comedy and jokes with the occasional open mic stand-up appearance about what he does to stay sharp.
He said he tries to write 1,500 words and 50 jokes, good or bad, a day. It being offseason and having written about the usual fare — vacations, season wrap-ups, etc. — I adopted Dale’s comedic writing routine for my column. Here are 30 jokes, good and bad, about Aspen and the surrounding area.
1. Quoting “Dumb and Dumber” on your way to Aspen is like quoting “The Big Lebowski” on your way to The Cannabis Cup.
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2. RFTA is to normal public transportation what Chipotle is to Qdoba; a seemingly classier version that can’t quite shake the fact that people still vomit from it.
3. Aspen Highlands is the Ivy League school of the four mountains in that the people who go there feel compelled to tell you they went there.
4. “Oh, you go to Buttermilk? I remember my first ski school. We go to Highlands.”
5. On that note, getting into the Wine at the Mine party during Food & Wine is easier than getting into an Ivy League school.
6. People who watch their dogs s— on what’s clearly a oft-traveled path — even if it’s unpaved — and don’t pick it up should be subject to Hammurabi’s Code, only the person who stepped in it on their way to the bus stop gets to strategically place it in the way of your commute. (OK, that wasn’t a joke, it just needed to be said.)
7. Aspen: The Eagleton to Vail’s Pawnee.
8. If you have $5 in Aspen and a person has $5 in Omaha, the person in Omaha has more money than you. (Shouts to Chuck Norris jokes.)
9. Little known fact: The Grog Shop savings card actually adds money to your purchase.
10. I’m pretty sure the only point of a medical marijuana card, at this point, is to mask the shame of buying prerolls before 10 a.m.
11. If you let Aspen City Council design your house, it would be an underground bomb shelter with bike lanes as a roof.
12. When I hike Smuggler, I like to fake business calls when people pass me to make it seem like I’m sneaking in exercise on my lunch break instead of rapidly dying during my first hike in months.
13. I’m not sure people who call themselves “cyclists” know that it doesn’t make up for the fact that they look like a condom with racing stripes.
14. Ski runs should have more accurate names. As in, “We’re going to go do ‘Walshs to mind-numbing catwalk that makes me want to go to apres early.’”
15. The real reason Snowmass Village doesn’t allow dispensaries is because old people are actually running cocaine out of the Discovery Center. They’re not concerned about town character; they’re concerned about attracting attention.
16. “I’m here to see the mastodon.” “Right this way, sir.” “No, no, I want to see the one with the big snout.”
17. If given the option between looking for affordable housing again and fighting a black bear, I’m embracing sweet death.
18. The Little Nell requires employees to shave daily not for appearances’ sake but to slowly and subconsciously drain their will to live.
19. People who say, “I came for the winter and stayed for the summer” really just don’t want to admit that they’re bad at skiing.
20. Anybody willing to tell the police, “Of course it’s cocaine, this is Aspen” should receive a reduced sentence for their honesty.
21. Stealing from Clark’s and Roxy’s and the subsequent legal fees is actually cheaper than shopping there.
22. If you take a selfie with a bear, you should be applauded. No, seriously, take more pictures close to bears. I only need “Bear attacks tourist” on my board to get Aspen BINGO.
23. Spaces I’ve already marked off: Rich mom angrily cusses out small children in public, man and dog in matching fur, couple bangs in store front and person defecates on floor at night club.
24. The easiest way to get more people to ride bikes into town is to reduce winter months. So, I guess climate change is in favor of city government?
25. The solution to the S-curves is to put a dollar in a jar every time someone complains and then use that money for another traffic study.
26. A fun thing to do in Aspen is to make fun of people on cleanses. Wait, that’s fun anywhere.
27. Group of visiting bros on the Hunter Creek bus wondering how long until they get to Snowmass. (OK, that’s more Onion headline than joke.)
28. Have you ever noticed Tuesday Cruise Day is less cruise and more furiously pedal to keep up with guys not-so-subtly trying to impress ladies.
29. I like to gauge my night out from what places I went to. Zane’s and Red Onion are your weekday spots. Hooch and Tanuki To Go translates to a middling to above average food/booze hangover. Escobar, Silver City or Bootsy Bellows means I’m waking up fully clothed ready for a scavenger hunt to find my keys, phone, wallet, two different debit/credit cards, hat and coat.
30. A tourist, a local and a bear walk into a bar. A local and then a bear walk out.
And … I’m done. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here all year.
For more jokes like these mixed in with some Trail Blazers rants, follow Sean Beckwith on Twitter at @seanbeckwith. Email at email@example.com.
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