My daily schedule, because you asked |

My daily schedule, because you asked

4:30 a.m. — Wake myself up seconds before the alarm sounds. Quick breakfast of lukewarm water, a banana and half a piece of unbuttered toast.

4:45 a.m. — Yoga. Use instructional “Do Yoga Better Than You Currently Can” DVD (sped up 4x.)

5:00 a.m. — Meditate. Use instructional “Meditate Like a Mofo!” DVD (sped up 4x.)

5:15 a.m. — Write in dream journal. Write in dream journal interpretation journal. Draw cartoon of previous day’s activities in cartoon journal. Write journal of morning’s journaling process in Master Journal.

7:00 a.m. — Drink another glass of water. Hydration is key to a sharp mind. Drink directly from sink, so as not to waste time with having to wash a glass.

7:02 a.m. — Answer all email correspondence, including the one from Amazon offering the hot deals of the day.

7:30 a.m. — Run 10 miles to gym, lift weights, run back.

8:30 a.m. — Shower, leisurely breakfast of remaining half a piece of toast. If it’s Friday you can use butter. As a treat.

8:45 a.m. — Take picture of cat. Write clever caption. Post on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+ and Flickr. Print out hard copy and pin on wall over desk.

9:00 a.m. — Begin necessary house/yard chores. Feed chickens. Collect eggs.

9:10 a.m. — Feed bees. Collect eggs.

9:20 a.m. — Feed cat. Collect eggs.

9:30 a.m. — Choose one home-maintenance project and complete it; landscape front yard, rewire office, repair roof, build back patio cover, paint (indoor/outdoor), plant garden, plant trees, build storage shed, construct deer fence, paint mural on side of barn.

10:15 a.m. — Do that thing that you promised someone you’d do like 3 years ago.

11:00 a.m. — Take car in to get that thing repaired that you’ve been meaning to get repaired for about 6 months.

11:30 a.m. — Clean storage shed. Have the garage sale that you’ve been meaning to have for about forever.

Noon — Lunch. No, actually, there’s no time for lunch. Grab whatever crumbs are in your jacket pocket and wash them down with some water wrung out from the dish sponge.

12:02 p.m. — Power nap.

12:05 p.m. — Check status of this morning’s posted cat picture. Try to not attach self-worth to quality and quantity of feedback.

12:10 p.m. — Guitar practice. It’s important to have hobbies to keep a well-balanced life. Use instructional “Play Blues Like a Dead Blind Guy” DVD played at half speed.

12:30 p.m. — Write something that you think is funny.

1:00 p.m. — Reread thing you just wrote, only to discover that it isn’t all that funny or, if it is, that it’s just a slightly altered Monty Python sketch. Plunge into deep despair and self-loathing, the likes of which you are certain you can never pull yourself out of.

1:10 p.m. — Snack time! If you feel good about the work you’ve done so far today, have a handful of dehydrated cabbage. If you are feeling less than deserving of a treat, have a handful of dehydrated cabbage with salt.

1:20 p.m. — Catch up on important phone calls. If you don’t have any important phone calls to catch up on, use this time to wonder why.

1:30 p.m. — Choose one project and complete it: Learn to write computer code, silkscreen funny sayings on old T-shirts, ghostwrite your own autobiography, create a video tutorial on how to create your own video tutorials, earn PhD, recreate Sistine Chapel using firecrackers, clean storage shed again.

2:30 p.m — Sigh.

3:00 p.m. — Doesn’t really matter what you set out to do, because the next two hours will always be spent frittering, lolligagging, dillydallying, and hemming and hawing.

5:00 p.m. — Contemplate how, no matter how much you accomplish in a day, you’ll always feel like you could have done more. Or better. Or sooner.

6:00 p.m. — Think about going for a bike ride. But don’t.

6:15 p.m. — Wander absentmindedly around house/yard gently kicking at things until the sun sets.

8:00 p.m. — Dinner. Finish off any remaining crumbs or dehydrated cabbage in the house, but without water. No liquids before bedtime, you know the rule.

8:15 p.m. — Lights out. Big day tomorrow. Again.

Was it you that asked? It was somebody, I’m sure. I could have sworn it was you. Anyway, too late now.

Barry Smith’s column appears Mondays.

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