My daily schedule, because you asked
4:30 a.m. — Wake myself up seconds before the alarm sounds. Quick breakfast of lukewarm water, a banana and half a piece of unbuttered toast.
4:45 a.m. — Yoga. Use instructional “Do Yoga Better Than You Currently Can” DVD (sped up 4x.)
5:00 a.m. — Meditate. Use instructional “Meditate Like a Mofo!” DVD (sped up 4x.)
5:15 a.m. — Write in dream journal. Write in dream journal interpretation journal. Draw cartoon of previous day’s activities in cartoon journal. Write journal of morning’s journaling process in Master Journal.
7:00 a.m. — Drink another glass of water. Hydration is key to a sharp mind. Drink directly from sink, so as not to waste time with having to wash a glass.
7:02 a.m. — Answer all email correspondence, including the one from Amazon offering the hot deals of the day.
7:30 a.m. — Run 10 miles to gym, lift weights, run back.
8:30 a.m. — Shower, leisurely breakfast of remaining half a piece of toast. If it’s Friday you can use butter. As a treat.
8:45 a.m. — Take picture of cat. Write clever caption. Post on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+ and Flickr. Print out hard copy and pin on wall over desk.
9:00 a.m. — Begin necessary house/yard chores. Feed chickens. Collect eggs.
9:10 a.m. — Feed bees. Collect eggs.
9:20 a.m. — Feed cat. Collect eggs.
9:30 a.m. — Choose one home-maintenance project and complete it; landscape front yard, rewire office, repair roof, build back patio cover, paint (indoor/outdoor), plant garden, plant trees, build storage shed, construct deer fence, paint mural on side of barn.
10:15 a.m. — Do that thing that you promised someone you’d do like 3 years ago.
11:00 a.m. — Take car in to get that thing repaired that you’ve been meaning to get repaired for about 6 months.
11:30 a.m. — Clean storage shed. Have the garage sale that you’ve been meaning to have for about forever.
Noon — Lunch. No, actually, there’s no time for lunch. Grab whatever crumbs are in your jacket pocket and wash them down with some water wrung out from the dish sponge.
12:02 p.m. — Power nap.
12:05 p.m. — Check status of this morning’s posted cat picture. Try to not attach self-worth to quality and quantity of feedback.
12:10 p.m. — Guitar practice. It’s important to have hobbies to keep a well-balanced life. Use instructional “Play Blues Like a Dead Blind Guy” DVD played at half speed.
12:30 p.m. — Write something that you think is funny.
1:00 p.m. — Reread thing you just wrote, only to discover that it isn’t all that funny or, if it is, that it’s just a slightly altered Monty Python sketch. Plunge into deep despair and self-loathing, the likes of which you are certain you can never pull yourself out of.
1:10 p.m. — Snack time! If you feel good about the work you’ve done so far today, have a handful of dehydrated cabbage. If you are feeling less than deserving of a treat, have a handful of dehydrated cabbage with salt.
1:20 p.m. — Catch up on important phone calls. If you don’t have any important phone calls to catch up on, use this time to wonder why.
1:30 p.m. — Choose one project and complete it: Learn to write computer code, silkscreen funny sayings on old T-shirts, ghostwrite your own autobiography, create a video tutorial on how to create your own video tutorials, earn PhD, recreate Sistine Chapel using firecrackers, clean storage shed again.
2:30 p.m — Sigh.
3:00 p.m. — Doesn’t really matter what you set out to do, because the next two hours will always be spent frittering, lolligagging, dillydallying, and hemming and hawing.
5:00 p.m. — Contemplate how, no matter how much you accomplish in a day, you’ll always feel like you could have done more. Or better. Or sooner.
6:00 p.m. — Think about going for a bike ride. But don’t.
6:15 p.m. — Wander absentmindedly around house/yard gently kicking at things until the sun sets.
8:00 p.m. — Dinner. Finish off any remaining crumbs or dehydrated cabbage in the house, but without water. No liquids before bedtime, you know the rule.
8:15 p.m. — Lights out. Big day tomorrow. Again.
Was it you that asked? It was somebody, I’m sure. I could have sworn it was you. Anyway, too late now.
Barry Smith’s column appears Mondays.
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