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Meredith Carroll: Olympic training regimen or middle-aged girls’ Vegas getaway?

Meredith Carroll
Muck Off

 


— Divine from a young age that you are destined for greatness

— Assess your physical fitness

— Pick a sport



— Visualize success

— Practice daily affirmations




— Identify financing

— Invest in high-quality supplements

— Locate a training facility

— Get a coach

— Overspend on preparations

— Limit refined sugar intake

— Ensure accountability by training with a partner or in a group

— Matching outfits

— Study your competition

— Trash talk your competition

— Dream of gold

— Train early in the day

— Train late at night (see also: train early in the day)

— Conclude that sleep is for amateurs

— Lots of coffee

— Regularly consume half your body weight in fluid ounces of water

— Get good at holding in pee

— Get good at peeing in strange places

— Challenge yourself to attain maximum gains

— Pray

— Stretch

— Grow accustomed to wearing tight, skimpy clothes and uncomfortable shoes and for long periods of time

— Don’t eat

— Eat well

— Eat horribly

— Keep eating

— Spend an inordinate amount of time thinking and talking about food

— Grow accustomed to people commenting on how much you eat and talk about food

— Learn not to take big or small losses to heart

— Celebrate victories with alcohol

— Console losses with alcohol

— Ibuprofen

— Establish limits

— Maintain a high personal standard that can be conveniently cast aside

— Electrolytes, electrolytes, electrolytes

— Use sunglasses to block out bright lights

— Curse

— Employ mental toughness

— Tune out the naysayers

— Cleverly hide illegal drug use

— Incorporate recovery techniques, such as foam rolling, stretching and self-induced vomiting

— Overspend on recovery

— Massage

— Shower often to hide the smell

— Have your performance documented

— Analyze footage of your performance

— Delete all unflattering photos

— Share your triumphs on social media

— Exaggerate your winnings for years to come