Meredith Carroll: Help Wanted, Aspen/Snowmass Edition

HOUSE CLEANER URGENTLY NEEDED

No amount of money can erase the funk of cleaning up after people who are shamelessly filthy and irrationally disgusting, yet this position still pays much worse than you’d imagine. Benefit: No NDA required. Use the position to research your dissertation, “A Psychological and Philosophical Examination of Revulsion.” Or mine material for a stand-up routine, screenplay, or memoir (see also: the Netflix hit series and New York Times bestseller, “Maid: Hard Work, Low Pay, and a Mother’s Will to Survive”).

HOUSING AVAILABLE

Job TBD. Salary TBA. Benefit: Housing. It’s not free, cheap or very nice although it does have flush toilets, no visual asbestos, and did we mention it’s housing in Aspen (that’s in Old Snowmass, but still).

FRONT OF HOUSE TEAM MEMBER

This is a strictly front-door position responsible for monitoring the entry gate to a private Owl Creek estate. Responsibilities are limited to posting all bear sightings to Instagram and maintaining a detailed log of unmarked passing cars, Amazon deliveries, and looky-loos. Legal training is a plus. Occasional travel to the back gate will be required. Benefit: Exposure (so make sure to bring plenty of sunscreen and a hat).

SEEKING PROFESSIONAL SHIT-EATER

If you’re accustomed to it being your fault, if you’re often told it’s all your fault, or if blame always seems to find you specifically, then you’re our person. Come absorb the reproach heaped on by visitors looking for a live face on which to project liability for any marginal imperfections during their stay. Benefits include reaching career rock bottom much sooner than your high school French teacher once predicted, which means it can only go up from here. You’re welcome.

ONLY IN A$PEN

Earn $$$ without leaving home. Make $1,ooo a week! Dream opportunity 4 the right person. Be y0ur 0wn boss for only 15 minutes a day. Must have a valid Facebook account and clean google search (first four pages).

NOW HIRING COLLEGE GRADS & MBAs

Use your pedigreed intellect to politely engage the sophisticated and successful clientele in our high-end boutique while skillfully ignoring how they throw the clothes they don’t want into balls on the dressing room floor for you to take care of. Benefit: You’re the one with the fancy degree; is there really a benefit to this job?

FULL-TIME HEAD SERVER

Head server at Aspen’s first Michelin star restaurant. OK, if we’re being honest you’d be the only server. On most nights it’s also looking like you’ll be the lone host, busser, and depending on the month, the dishwasher. Benefit: Figuring out now instead of 27 years from now that your parents were right and this is neither what you want to be doing nor where you have any business doing it. You’re welcome.

HIRING SCHOOL BUS DRIVERS

If you thought mornings were bad at your house, we are offering you money to drive other people’s children to school. Benefit: Rubbing elbows with the superintendent at the Bus Barn water cooler. Added bonus: We won’t ever make you drive the route your kids are on.

YOUR AD HERE

HIRING! FRONT DESK, BELL ATTENDANT, BABYSITTER

To be clear, it’s one job, which is primarily babysitting the loud bell the tiny children in the overpriced fractional units will use to summon you incessantly from your perch at the front desk. Benefits: Learn quickly if sterilization is right for you.

WE NEED A (LITERAL) MIRACLE (WORKER)

Part-time membership development manager sought to resuscitate aging but still oddly relevant Aspen nonprofit. Must be a self starter, a fast worker (we’ll need you to squeeze a 50-hour workweek into a 3-day schedule. Nonprofits, amiright?!), and a compelling beggar with a professional poker face and an unusually high tolerance for extreme privilege. Benefit: Let us know if you’re interested, and why, and we’ll figure out what could possibly make the abuse you’re about to receive worth it.

HIRE ME

My plan was to keep it low this winter, but if you’re really desperate, hit me up. I’m gonna need a premier ski pass, a new uphill setup, and Chainsmokers (VIP) tickets for Belly Up. My demands are firm but I’m also cool just kicking it so whatever. Also, I’m mostly up to do whatever, work-wise or whatever, but I don’t clean my dishes or bathroom so I’m definitely not cleaning yours.

More at MeredithCarroll.com and on Twitter @MCCarroll.