Meredith Carroll: Aspen debuts Offseasonsköl™ this weekend

ASPEN, Colo. (May 11, 2022) — In what is already being hailed as the famed ski town’s most redundant new tradition, Aspen proudly premieres the first annual Offseasonsköl™ this Thursday through Sunday. The celebration comes on the heels of the disappointment expressed in as many as three letters to the editor after the Aspen Chamber Resort Association’s recent decision to better manage crowds by abandoning the promotion of tourism during the shoulder seasons.

Offseasonsköl™ aims to honor the mud, hurricane-force winds, winter hangovers, lost mittens, terminated leases, abandoned downtown, wildfire smoke-filled skies, and the decent chance of a freak blizzard at any moment that is the hallmark of May at 7,908-feet above sea level for all nine people still in town (13 if you count that family from Minnesota or Wisconsin who did not know the Aspen airport closed May 2, although rumor has it they are actually hanging out in New Castle until the airport reopens next week).

If Wintersköl™, Aspen’s toast to winter dating back to 1951, celebrates the Nordic lifestyle, then consider Offseasonsköl™ a salute to the ski bums’ siesta. Weekend highlights include an e-bike tour of the ghost town of the West End, a scavenger hunt to find any open restaurant, and a community-wide snow-tire changing event.*

(*—You may want to wait until June to change your snow tires though because you know what will happen as soon as you change them.)

“Two years after the start of the pandemic, we’re just so excited that offseason is back that we want to spread the love, or pounds and pounds of dust, as is the case currently,” said four of five Aspen City Council members. “We will actually be in Sayulita this weekend, but everyone in town should post photos of the deserted pedestrian malls.”

The fifth council member was unavailable for comment due to a previously scheduled pickleball retreat in Costa Rica by way of Steamboat and Chicago and then maybe Maui or Vietnam.

Offseasonsköl™ Annual Slogan™ Contest finalists (winner TBA)

Seduction by Construction

Go Away

Please, Go Away

Tonight We’re Gonna Party Like the Bars Shut Down at 9

Infrastructure F#%^ers

Vail’s Still Open

Carl’s (Mostly) Never Closes

Offseasonsköl™ Royalty

As it turns out, there will be no king and queen of Offseasonsköl™ because everyone is in either Moab, Denver, Paris or down at Target. If by chance you read this and are within spitting distance of the roundabout, please grab a tiara and hop on a town bike or RFTA (remember: weekend and offseason schedules AND bus driver labor shortages apply), and walk up and down the empty sidewalk outside the Hotel Jerome. Someone will pass by, eventually, and when they do, if they’re local they’ll probably say hi and then talk about you after they leave.

Offseasonsköl™ Schedule of Events

THURSDAY

Ye Olde Reading of the Shuttered Establishments

Gather round the Dancing Fountain, which will remain dry until more people get to town, to hear the latest list of restaurants and other businesses that have closed forever since the lifts shut down in April.

FRIDAY

Poop Portraits

Wintersköl™ has ice sculptures, Offseasonsköl™ has poop portraits. The snow is gone and the poop has come out to play! Gather up a winter’s worth of doggie doo revealed by the melted snow and create your favorite four-legged Aspen creature.

Solve the Downtown Maze

Get from Truscott to City Market on bus, car, bike or foot without seeing a cement mixer or orange cone. First prize: Free parking all weekend.

Nap the Pass

Less than two weeks until Independence Pass opens to cars! Meet at the gates with a sleeping bag, pillow and bear spray and take a nap in the middle of Highway 82 just because you can. Watch out for boulders and moose, but it’s offseason so don’t worry (too much) about packs of aggressive cyclists mowing you down.

SATURDAY

Aspen will be closed for its annual offseason saging.*

*—Snowmass Village asked us to announce that they will also be closed, but only to people from Aspen.

SUNDAY

Ye Olde Reading of the Shuttered Establishments

Gather round the Dancing Fountain to hear the latest list of restaurants and other businesses that have closed forever since the list was last read on Friday.

MONDAY

Surprise!

Since it’s offseason, we may decide on Sunday night to keep the party going for one more day. Or we may just sleep in, you know, because that’s about the only other thing to do on a Monday in the offseason.

More at MeredithCarroll.com and on Twitter @MCCarroll.