Meredith C. Carroll: Six reasons to write me in for Aspen City Council
In theory, the March 13 filing deadline to enter next month’s Aspen City Council election should have been easy enough to meet. However, because on that date I was nearing the end of a 1,440-hour hot air balloon odyssey around South America to recharge my soul so I can help me help you while simultaneously raise awareness for the nonprofit Critter Connection, which aids abandoned and neglected guinea pigs, I was unable to submit my paperwork.
Yes, there are organizations working to save the planet and its people, but if you Google “Guinea pigs eating Brussels sprouts,” you’ll fall down a rabbit hole of YouTube links showing ugly domesticated rodents managing to look cute while eating cabbage that will cause them to bloat, which will, in turn, temporarily distract you from how the planet and its people desperately need saving. In other words, I am busy and important, and yet here I am, taking the time to let you know that you can write my name in on the ballot.
It would be easy enough to endorse me on a platform of a selfless existence, dazzling smile and signature ’80’s inspired Scünci ponytail. Instead, though, I ask for your support based on my propitiously eleemosynary deportment and humbly fecund and coruscating qualifications, including:
My signature ride: a unicorn
Bicycles are a dime a dozen in Aspen. Same for electric vehicles, bus riders and people who claim to prefer walking when really they just know they’ll never nab a free parking spot at Carl’s. However, in harnessing unicorn power to get me from Point A to B (or from home to City Market), I’m upping my street cred with 5-year-old girls and boys (because my unicorn was auspiciously born missing the gene that discriminates based on gender norms).
My signature color: rainbow sherbet (pronounced shur-bit)
The purple swirl is a nod not to the late Prince but the even-later Artist Formerly Known as Prince, who communicated so much about the perils of record company contracts with just a symbol, and who contributed to inspiring my own symbol (See below: “My branding”). The green swirl doesn’t represent the environment, although it is a shout-out to my favorite Snapple flavor (#Antioxidants). Orange is included in my signature color because I’m fundamentally generous like that (#Blessed).
You wouldn’t think leading global branding companies would clamor to work on a municipal campaign in a city with a year-round population of approximately 6,658. But my branding identity, which can be found sprinkled in turmeric atop the candied yam smoothie at Spring Cafe and also tattooed on the forehead of the U10 Aspen United Soccer Club right midfielder (who got inked after protracted discussions with the kid’s parents about how it’ll be an enviable topic for a future college essay), represents my attention to detail. Legally changing my name to MC-squared, which is symbolic of my snappy youthfulness plus possible connection to Albert Einstein (to whom I am theoretically related, or could be, anyway, if we were to take a deep dive into Ancestry.com and play an extended game of Jewish geography) is destined to go down in history as a marketing move as shrewd as shortening Coca-Cola to Coke (Schedule II drug allusions be damned).
My Annie Leibovitz-shot promotional photo campaign
Apologies in advance for my naked earnestness involuntarily searing through the camera lens. I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry!
My Martin Scorsese-directed campaign video series
It may appear throughout the 17-video campaign series starring me as if I’m sponsored by Lexus or trying to hawk diamond-studded GPS watches (that also count steps!). But in fact, they’re narrative journeys intended to highlight just how good I look in natural light. The videos are a critical cultural moment because if elected, my skin tone will probably appear to suffer under the fluorescent lights in City Council chambers. Please refer back to the videos if, in the future, you grow concerned that I’m losing a battle against scurvy.
I’m not only the Lead Perspectives Engineer of my own life and the Dynamic Response Architect of my family or even just the Human Optimization Facilitator among my closest friends and acquaintances. No, elect me to City Council and you’ll see how my past experience as Chief Paradigm Strategist, Legacy Mobility Planner and Central Imagination Specialist will aid me in rebuilding while knocking down the barriers to change, to change while staying the same, and to teach you to appreciate change while still savoring the things that don’t actually need changing.
On behalf of my family, whom you’ll see waving campaign posters in front of Lululemon and not Prada, where I may or may not be barred from entering because of an alleged incident involving the $2,230 black Saffiano Lux Double-Zip Tote Bag, and me: you’re welcome in advance for voting MC-squared on May 2.
Follow MC2 on Twitter @MCCarroll. More at MeredithCarroll.com.
Rogers: The monster looming behind social media
The warning ran through the highlights. Nearly every kid between 13 and 17 admits using social media. Around 40% of children between 8 and 12 do, too.