Meredith C. Carroll: Aspen’s epic winter season, by the numbers | AspenTimes.com

Meredith C. Carroll: Aspen’s epic winter season, by the numbers

Meredith C. Carroll
Muck Off

Last year at this time, winter had already been wrapped for several months (and that’s only if you’re in the camp that maintains there was even a winter at all). The 2018-19 season, though, is a different story, with statistics that deserve not just a footnote but also their own volume. With only a few days to shred remaining, the year that was will go down in the record books for more than just a surplus of snow. According to just-released figures:

  • In the 2018-19 winter season, 84% of Aspenites reported having an easier time getting into USC than seated at a L’Hostaria bar table.
  • It was 46% more convenient to drive to Denver for groceries than find a parking spot at Aspen’s City Market.
  • The number of cocaine bindles that magically materialized at the feet of people “Just trying to live my life, man” when approached by a member of the Aspen Police Department spiked by 246%.
  • Sunday’s Aspen Highlands closing-day party showcased 83% more adults in costume than on Halloween, which already saw grown-ups seven times likelier to play dress-up than their own children.
  • The percent of Highlands revelers still reveling in costume today, three days after the party ended: 58%.
  • The number of times in Aspen this winter when someone’s real clothes looked liked a costume: 324.
  • The percentage of Aspen parents with mug shots more than doubled this season at precisely the same time the number of Aspen kids who know better than to get caught grew four-fold.
  • The percent change of fun in Snowmass Village now that it actually resembles a village: 180%.
  • The amount that Snowmass Village still really needs to up its parking game: 1,000%.
  • Social media posts about the quest for a 100-day pin ticked up 136% in the 2018-19 season, whereas those breaking a sweat trying to count other people’s ski days climbed by 174%.
  • Fifty-nine percent of season-pass holders spent 70% of their lift rides complaining about the “Ikon Effect,” 0% griped while waiting in line — because there still weren’t any.
  • The number of gondola-conceived babies (or attempted conceptions) rose by 3,092 feet.
  • In a move roundly applauded by 100% of those surveyed, 28% of Aspen’s white men in power were sent back to try again (anywhere but here).
  • The total amount of money that Woody Creek native Felicity Huffman and former West Ender Lori Laughlin could have saved by hiring Aspen tutors instead of spending $15,000 and $500,000 respectively to get their daughters into college: $42.
  • The Aspen Club promised a happy ending 49% more often during the 2018-19 season — at the same time that 104% of its credibility continued growing mold on the east end of town.
  • The percent of cyclists and pedestrians who angrily wagged a single finger in the air at motorists driving more than one block on West Hopkins Avenue: 94%.
  • The percent of West Hopkins Avenue drivers who cared when having a finger wagged at them: 0%.
  • Competitive ice walking grew 78% over last year, with emergency room visits, knee braces and rounds of shots toasting torn ACLs almost tripling.
  • The number of people who apparently stopped caring about being seen vaping cannabis in public: all of them.
  • Four percent of Aspen residents commented on just how much their lives have improved thanks to the upgraded Castle Creek Bridge sidewalk. The percentage of times those comments came from Mayor Steve Skadron: 100%.
  • Ninety-seven percent of Aspenites showed 1 million percent more restraint by not mowing down the pedestrians who thought crossing at crosswalks was for walkers other than them.
  • The presence of Rolls Royce SUVs in Aspen tripled this season, during which time the number of people scratching their heads wondering why anyone would want a Rolls Royce SUV quadrupled.
  • Aspen saw an 84% rise in entitled visitors, with the number of Aspenites feeling entitled to bite the hand(s) that feeds them more than doubled.
  • The amount of goodwill that will vanish at the precise moment the Silver Queen Gondola stops running and construction picks up where it left off in the fall: just about all of it.

Follow Meredith Carroll on Twitter @MCCarroll. More at meredithcarroll.com.


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