Meredith C. Carroll: Aspen True or False — Summer 2020 edition
The surplus of current events has spurred the consumption of news at a much higher rate than any other time in recent history. Take the Summer 2020 Aspen True-or-False quiz to assess just how much you’ve managed to metabolize:
1. As soon as Colorado lifted its safer at home orders, Lance Armstrong and Pitkin County Sheriff Joe DiSalvo appeared on Instagram posing for a socially distant photo on a local golf course.
FALSE. The maskless, arm-in-arm photo was taken at a golf course 342 miles from Aspen and posted amid a statewide mandate banning travel more than 10 miles from home for outdoor recreation.
2. It’s not just at special meetings that Aspen City Councilman Skippy Mesirow attends via Zoom while wearing a blazer and walking on a treadmill: it’s at all the meetings.
3. The speed limit on Smuggler Road has increased to 45 mph from 10.
FALSE. Unless you’re driving with a Texas plate. Texans have special dispensation, apparently.
4. Wearing a facemask wrapped around your wrist protects against COVID-19.
TRUE. Ask mostly everyone hiking the Ute Trail.
5. Following her Republican primary victory against incumbent U.S. Rep. Scott Tipton in Colorado’s 3rd Ccongressional District, Lauren “the dog who caught the car” Boebert was taken against her will to President Donald Trump’s July 3 campaign rally at Mount Rushmore, where she was forced to pose for a promotional photo with Eric and Lara Trump.
FALSE. Boebert alleges that her participation was 100% voluntary.
6. The East and West Coasters who have escaped to Aspen during the pandemic are blending in seamlessly.
7. “Who?” Aspen High School’s Class of 2020 collectively asked upon hearing that Jimmy Buffet recorded a special graduation video in their honor.
8. A groundbreaking study found that Aspen officially surpassed Canada in ridiculous niceness when it posted signs around town that went out of their way to tell people to let their masks “slide” while recreating outside.
9. A genetic link has been discovered that connects E-bike entitlement on singletrack trails with white privilege.
FALSE, technically. Anecdotally, though, it’s a whole other story.
10. Everyone thinks that the city of Aspen actively asking “informed residents” to “remind visitors they must comply with all local laws” is a swell idea.
FALSE. Not one person thinks this.
11. There are some very smart people who are actively monitoring what’s happening around town and, using a combination of hope, prayer, facts, figures and critical medical and scientific data, speculate that there’s only a small chance Aspen will need to shut down entirely again.
FALSE. No one thinks the chance is small.
12. How Aspen should and will navigate safely and lucratively through the current health and economic crises will be decided in the Facebook comments.
TRUE. Just ask the commenters.
13. You don’t look at all like a not-cute Dumbo when wearing the kind of facemask that simultaneously smushes down and pushes out your ears.
TRUE. (Not actually true, but you still need to wear the mask.)
14. The sparkly new boxes at the Snowmass Village post office remain empty months after they were installed, all while residents continue standing in a coronavirus line to receive packages.
TRUE. The Snowmass Village post office may yet emerge as the eighth wonder of the world.
15. Traffic and speeding have increased locally because people have places to be and things to do.
FALSE. We’re in the middle of a pandemic; almost everyone has nowhere to be.
16. There’s always been a special place in hell reserved for bicycle thieves, but an ordinance has been passed allowing even more fuel to be thrown on the fire if you’re caught stealing someone’s bike during a global pandemic and recession.
TRUE. Or at least it should be.
17. The city of Aspen has shut its border to all Arizonans indefinitely, effective immediately.
FALSE. However, it’s not a terrible idea.
18. Local parents are kind of hoping that the Aspen schools don’t return for in-person classes next month because so far it’s been a ton of fun having the kids home for 2,832 consecutive hours.
More at MeredithCarroll.com and on Twitter @MCCarroll.