Meredith C. Carroll: A pledge for the first 100 days

Pay no attention to the fake news on the front page of today’s local papers claiming alternative winners in Aspen’s municipal election: I am honored and humbled to declare my seat on Aspen City Council has been captured. My triumph in yesterday’s contest was a beautiful and important win. The forgotten man and woman — both of them — will never be forgotten again. We will all come together as never before.

It didn’t matter that there wasn’t space to write in my name on the ballot and therefore I received no votes. Based on the tremendous number of congratulatory texts, retweets and Facebook likes I received following the April 5 announcement of my Aspen City Council candidacy, my conquest was decisive. In fact, I’m pretty sure my grand slam was the biggest since the last time someone else really important and beloved proclaimed they won by a landslide. Or was it an avalanche? I was given that information. I don’t know. Actually, I’ve seen that information around. But it was a very substantial victory.

On a related note, the huge number of people who told me I had their vote despite them living in Snowmass and Basalt (and out of state and the country) means the first item on my elected-official agenda will be to address the massive voter fraud that has flooded Aspen city limits. You have people that are registered who are dead, who are illegals, who live at the North 40. You have second-home owners voting. They’re registered in a New York and a New Jersey. They vote twice. There are millions of votes, in my opinion. I have my own opinions. You can have your own opinions.

Unfortunately I thought everything would change in my first 12 hours in office, except when I awoke to news of my tsunami-like success this morning, my children were still there, which means they needed to be dressed, brushed and fed. Apparently they’ll expect more of the same for the next several years. Don’t get me wrong; I loved my previous life. I had so many things going. I just thought being elected in one of the highest metropolises in the nation would mean along with less oxygen there would also be less work. Turns out it just means more stoners.

Regardless, on my agenda in the first 100 days is draining the swamp in Aspen, and by swamp, I mean Hallam Lake. I’ve attended both of my daughters’ kindergarten class Beaver Nights and never once saw a beaver. Well, I once saw a beaver, but that was during my older daughter’s second grade class’s Owl Night, and on that night there were no owls. I don’t know what those people over at the Aspen Center for Environmental Studies are doing, but our side’s been proven very strongly. And everybody’s talking about it. And frankly, it should be discussed. I think that is a very big surveillance of our beavers. I think it’s a very big topic. And it’s a topic that should be number one. And we should find out what the hell is going on.

Something I’ll have to get used to now that I’m important enough to require a chauffeur is not driving. I like to drive, but I can’t drive anymore. Mostly because my husband hurt his knee and needs the car a lot and my stepson is nearly 18 and thinks our other car is effectively his. Terrible!

Also in my first 100 days we’re going to fix our inner cities (or Centennial), and rebuild our highways (or that one pothole by the S-curve), bridges (I’m looking at you, Castle Creek), tunnels, airports, schools, hospitals. We’re going to rebuild our infrastructure, which will become, by the way, second to none. And we will put millions of our people to work as we rebuild it. And then we’ll focus on the traffic caused by the millions of people, which I will avoid by escaping to Moab on the weekends because they have hundreds of acres and streets stay open.

At the conclusion of my first 100 days Aug. 10, I’ll sit down for an exclusive interview with Bill O’Reilly for his new podcast. Speaking of O’Reilly, I think he shouldn’t have settled. Because you should have taken it all the way; I don’t think Bill did anything wrong. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Trust me.

Follow Meredith Carroll on Twitter @MCCarroll. More at MeredithCarroll.com.