Meredith C. Carroll: 30 things faster than Aspen’s new Starbucks

Meredith C. Carroll
Muck Off
Meredith Carroll

An angel lost its wings when the Starbucks on Gondola Plaza served its last flat white a little over a year ago. Other than hot yoga, Spanx, writing letters to the editor, juicing and Teslas, there’s not much Aspenites delight in more than a thrice-daily caffeine fix. Fortunately just in time for pumpkin spice latte season, Starbucks 2.0 opened in Aspen late last month in the old Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory space.

In a short time, its presence has already amped up the laid-back Type-A personalities among us, which is to say: pretty much everyone. Except if there’s one thing lovers of fair-trade coffee and users of free Wi-Fi can’t stand, it’s waiting around. Early reports compare the service at the new Aspen Starbucks to last winter’s snow, with the most glaring difference being that eventually the snow was served. Aspen operates in its own time zone although even by local standards, the Starbucks here is slow.

To be fair, it has only been open for, like, a minute. They’re just working out the kinks! A machine broke! They didn’t import Italian baristas, they hired regular (lovely!) people who need time to train! Just look outside and stop getting so first-world whiny about coffee! After all, the Starbucks folks are good eggs — you know, other than occasional bouts of racial profiling and also contributing 6 billion cups to landfills annually.

A major investigative report into wait times at the new Starbucks has shown that while service is improving, getting served a drink still takes longer than the following:

Driving to the Willits Starbucks.

Driving to the Glenwood Springs Starbucks.

Flying to Colombia to pick your own coffee beans.

The grass growing in Wagner Park.

The public comment portion of Aspen City Council meetings.

The rest of Aspen City Council meetings.

The Aspen City Council realizing the mobility lab — and Castle Creek Bridge improvements — won’t ease traffic problems.

Getting into or out of Aspen at 7:30 a.m., 8 a.m., 9 a.m., 3:15 p.m., and between 3:45 p.m. and 5:30 p.m.

My kids getting ready for school.

My kids getting ready for bed.

The southbound drivers on Sixth Street stopping unnecessarily (and maddeningly!) at the Main Street intersection.

Aspen School District leadership admitting a mistake.

The line at the Aspen Post Office.

Cell service in Snowmass Village.

Lee Mulcahy’s eviction proceedings.

Pretty much all West End home remodels.

Bar service at Justice Snow’s (RIP).

Donald Trump’s demise.

Brett Kavanaugh’s demise.

Kanye West’s demise.

The Aspen newspapers’ offseason news cycle.

Finding a parking spot in the City Market lot.

Riding the Skittles gondola.

Any gondola ride with chatty strangers.

The elevator ride down to Ace Hardware.

The city of Aspen settling on an office-space plan.

Getting a car wash at the Aspen Business Center on the day after a spring snowstorm.

Getting home after a Jazz Aspen Labor Day concert.

Visitors leaving town after summer ends.

Opening Day 2018 for all four area mountains (although hopefully not).

Follow Meredith Carroll on Twitter @MCCarroll. More at