Maroly: Affordable hotels are a grand slam for The Prince | AspenTimes.com

Maroly: Affordable hotels are a grand slam for The Prince

Roger Marolt
Roger This

“Hello, Bases 1 and 2 hotels — the first stops on your way to the affordable Aspen home-run vacation package. You are up to bat!”

“I need to book some rooms over Christmas and the Fourth of July, please.”

“And to whom am I speaking, please?”

“I represent The Prince.”

“Haha. Would that be the former rock star or ‘of darkness’?”

“Does it matter?”

“Uh, no. Not really. You said Christmas and the Fourth of July. How many nights will you be staying?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I mean, I haven’t counted them up.”

“I can help you with that. Let’s see; when will you be arriving for Christmas?”

“Middle of November.”

“OK, we’ll just call it the 15th. And departing?”

“About the middle of February?”

“Sure. You do like your holiday — haha. Let’s see — that’s 92 days! How many rooms will you be needing?”

“All of them.”

“All of them?”

“Yes, and I would like to book them over the same dates for the next 10 years. And, like I mentioned, for the next 10 Fourth of July weekends, too — say, May 1 through Sept. 15 each summer. So, if I do the math in my head correctly, the grand total should come to around $31.74 million, plus tax of course.”

“May I ask why you need so many rooms for so many days? We use this valuable information to improve our performance. Even though we are affordable, we still care. Haha.”

“The Prince needs the rooms for his attendants.”

“Well — so you mean like valets, butlers, maids, cooks and jet pilots?”

“Does it really matter?”

“Uh, no. I guess not. Umm, so what method of payment will you be using?”

“If you give me your checking-account and bank-routing number, I will be happy to initiate a wire transfer.”

(To prevent the possibility of identity theft and the draining of a bank account large enough to affect many foreign countries’ solvency, this portion of this conversation is redacted.)

“Okay, Mr. — uh, I guess it doesn’t matter. Thank you for circling the Bases on your vacation itinerary! Don’t forget to pitch us to your friends! Ha ha.”

“Don’t worry.”

“Hello, Bases 1 and 2 hotels ­— the first stops on your way to the affordable Aspen home-run vacation package. You are up to bat!”

“It’s me again.”

“Oh, yes, hello Mr. …”

“Yes, yes; I was just thinking that The Prince is trying to go green. We’ve needed six jets to get everybody and everything here. We’re thinking we can cut back to three if we have a good, secure place to leave our stuff and not have to transport it back and forth every time. Your hotel is secure, I assume?”

“Oh, yes, very! There’s no place to park, and there’s no affordable housing for blocks around where riffraff might live, so we don’t get much loitering. We’re suspicious when anyone walks by, really. I will admit we don’t have security cameras, though; trying to keep things affordable, you know. Haha.”

“Fine, fine; in that case, I’d like to book all the rooms for all the times The Prince’s — ahem — attendants won’t be here using them.”

“Just to leave stuff in?”

“Yes, for storage. You rates are great for convenient downtown storage, in our opinion. And it’s quite comfortable to think we control both the entire hotels all the time.”

“OK then; you can calculate the charge as well as I can, and you have our banking information — I think we’re good to go! I’ll just turn out the lights and go bolt the ‘No Vacancy’ sign up in a conspicuous place. Would you like me to send you a box of keys, or will you be re-keying the locks and making your own?”

Roger Marolt had a serious case of deja vu when writing this column — or are we actually considering repeating a moment of Aspen history? Email at roger@maroltllp.com.


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