Marolt: You want reform? Mom’s the word!
I have a friend who laid out a plan to make this country run smoothly by granting more power to the mothers. No, no, not the sleazy mothers already mucking up Washington but the real moms who bring us into this world. He means real power, too. The ultimate power, in fact. If moms had the green light to do away with their progeny as they saw fit, there would be a lot more people sitting up straight at the dinner table and a lot fewer people getting into trouble.
You’ve got to admit that the government deciding who lives or dies causes nothing but bickering and fighting and isn’t a deterrent to anything. Instead, the law should grant every mother unquestioned authority to kill her own offspring at any time for any reason with no possibility of legal recourse whatsoever. A kid goes on a crime spree, and Mom disapproves — meet your maker. Gets caught smoking under the bridge when he’s supposed to be at the library doing homework — go ahead, make her day. Forgets to take out the trash — adios, amiga. Mom’s the word!
Can you imagine? Suddenly I feel the urge to invest in the Daisy Bouquet Mother’s Day Greeting Card Co. Are you with me?
It’s not so absurd. Who knows best about who deserves the supreme punishment? Who would be more deliberate in handing it out? Who can detect the faintest trace of B.S. and beer breath better than a mother? It certainly isn’t a criminal lawyer, judge or legislator. I say the best person for the job finally deserves a shot. And she’ll do it for free!
It appears to be a fool-proof system, guaranteeing reaping only when the grim is ripe. For example, a mother wouldn’t rashly choose to have one of her offspring rubbed out knowing full well that she herself is also the daughter of another mother who could have her snuffed if she didn’t like the way her grandchild’s situation was handled. Talk about checks and balances!
You are undoubtedly thinking that hard-core, criminally minded, enterprising children could buy complete immunity from maternal justice through a plate of fresh-baked arsenic-laced cookies delivered to Mommy Dearest, just because. Well, to ensure that everyone falls under some matronly jurisdiction all the time, every living mother will have on file with the government the name of a surrogate mother of her choosing who takes over when her expiration date passes. Revenge is sweeter than any tainted dessert!
One of the beauties of the plan is that there is no window of opportunity that might close suddenly. A mother can kill her kid at any time. This would ensure that there is no rush to judgment. Maybe your baby will grow up under desolate circumstances that lead to a lifetime of poverty, take up a life of crime, become a drug addict, turn out to be a general pain in the rear, or maybe not. Wait and see. If the dire predictions come to pass, they’re gone. If, on the other hand, they happen to invest a few bucks from their paper route early on in the next Apple Inc., you’re set for life. There is no guesswork involved!
If it sounds barbaric, let me assure you that nobody actually expects you to kill your own child. The government would do the actual deed. Give the government a name, a brief description and a bus route. Consider it done.
Under this plan, we eliminate the need for all kinds of other laws. Why debate gun control? If you play with guns, Mom’s gonna kill you. How about using drugs? Mom’s gonna kill you. Drinking and driving? Oh, my gosh: Mom’s for sure gonna kill you! Civil lawsuits actually might become civil. You know how moms tolerate quarreling: “If you two don’t settle this thing right now, I’m going to kill somebody! Now, go shake hands.” It might even slow down war. A ruthless dictator with any sense will think hard before pushing the big red button knowing that it certainly will irritate Mom.
The beauty is not just that everybody is accountable but that everybody is accountable to the person who brought them into this world. I think that could have a positive effect on people’s thinking. And, if it doesn’t, Mom pops a cap in their butt.
Many vested in the debates about abortion, the death penalty, euthanasia, criminal-justice reform, overpopulation, women’s rights and the Mother’s Day greeting-card industry will be impressed by how easily all these issues, and many more, can be addressed with one all-encompassing, copacetic plan. It’s worth a shot, so to speak. At the very least, it might result in less killing than the way we’re doing things now.
Roger Marolt recommends you call your mother tonight and tell her how much you love her. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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