Marolt: Oh yes, I definitely have an agenda
I don’t believe the world will be taken over through conspiracy. However, the idea of conspiracy theories might wreck the planet. Increasingly it seems people neither like nor trust many others, and I think it’s because we’re overwhelmed by theories of conspiracy.
We live in the age of mistrust. When a crackpot, dimwit, xenophobic, misogynistic racist like Donald Trump is the leading candidate to be the next president of the United States primarily because he has figured out a way to rally every fringe group of disenfranchised knuckleheads to form a majority of the voting public, you know something is wrong. What’s wrong is that he is the only one they trust. Everyone else is out to get them.
This goes way beyond the well-organized groups that we all know are hell-bent on controlling the masses by poisoning municipal water systems with fluoride that will eventually erase our memories or by crop dusting us with chemtrails of potent sedatives sprayed from the wings of jumbo jets at 60,000 feet above sea level.
There is no such thing as an opinion anymore. An agenda is no longer a valuable tool to keep a meeting moving along; it is a device to protect evil design. There is one true answer to every either/or question, and if you don’t see it my way, you are conspiring. A plot is the new majority.
I didn’t believe this until recently. What changed my mind is that I realized I am a member of at least three conspiracies. It’s true — or a conspiracy to make me think it is, anyway.
The first one is obvious. I am a newspaper columnist and, therefore, am a member of the liberal press. You see how easy it is to find yourself caught up in one of these things without recognizing it? As a member, I have been sucked into brainwashing you into thinking that conservatives of this nation are nothing more than a group of greedy, thoughtless, grouchy, mean-spirited old men and the women they control.
There are hints of this conspiracy everywhere. For instance, read the second paragraph of this column again, slowly and very carefully, focusing not so much on sentence structure but on the subtle message hidden in my protracted style learned through a liberal-arts education. Go ahead — I’ll wait.
Do you see it now? It may not have been obvious when you perused it the first time, but after you read it thoughtfully after I pointed it out, you can kind of start to see that I might have been subtly criticizing Trump, the new king of the Republican Party. I am trying to brainwash you!
Not that you shouldn’t worry about the immense, expertly crafted and camouflaged influence I hold over you after I acted as the “good cop” and revealed this little secret of the trade. They, and I do mean “They,” if you know what I mean, have taught us so many tricks in liberal press seminars — held in obscure, bat-cavelike places in the middle of the night in the center of nowhere where we are delivered blindfolded — that you are no match to stand up to what I write. Basically, we own you. (Vote for Hillary!)
The second group of conspirators I belong to is sort of a subset. It’s The Aspen Times. It may be the worst-kept conspiracy around, but it’s a conspiracy nonetheless. We are socialists. And it gets better: Our “newspaper” is a rag. I hate to brag, but Aspen is pretty much a municipal commune because of us. After we overthrew the paper in about 1965, things started going our way. We are responsible for employee housing, limits on downtown building heights, the S-curves bottleneck and a building code so restrictive that developers can’t help but make money here. You’re welcome!
But the best conspiracies are the most surprising. Somehow I got roped into the St. Mary’s Church building committee. It sounds innocent. Little did I know that our mission was to destroy both the historic church building and our town while dividing our parish community, starting by replacing the carpet and preserving the stained-glass windows, which are literally falling out of their 100-year-old frames. Ask anyone. Start with the silent majority.
I urge you to examine your own schedule. Chances are good that, if you sit on a board or volunteer for any community service, you are part of a conspiracy to do horrible things. Look for an agenda. Whether it’s hidden or not, it will probably be handed out at the beginning of the meeting.
Roger Marolt appreciates your dedication to getting brainwashed by reading this column every Friday. Email him at email@example.com.
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