Marolt: Denying my role in the climate change conspiracy | AspenTimes.com

Marolt: Denying my role in the climate change conspiracy

Roger Marolt
Roger This

Well, that’s just about a wrap on this ski season. All that’s left is the crying, saying “goodbye” and generally acting like it’s our last week of high school.

It was a weird one. It started late and is finishing squirrely. January was good, though. Even during that rainstorm a couple weeks after New Year’s Day, the powder was incredible once you got above Little Nell. Thank goodness for the World Cup Finals during the second half of March, otherwise we might have noticed we barely had a cloud in the sky for two weeks. The funny thing is that we’ll look back in the record book and it will tell us the snowpack at the end of the season was about normal.

It will be more ammo for the climate-change deniers to fire in the dark of night. Sure, we all know they’re firing blanks, but their noise hurts the ears.

I don’t get it. It’s not like the theory of climate change is preposterous. There’s that thing called conservation of matter, right? If your car burns up 10 pounds of gasoline going between here and Wal-Mart, then 10 pounds of something else, smoke and fumes in this case, ends up floating around in the air. What used to be underground is now in the atmosphere. Of course things have changed!

But, Earth is amazing and will clean itself up for us, the deniers say. Well, no, not really. First, Earth is a ball of dirt and rock. It doesn’t care. Second, it existed without us for about 4 billion years. That’s about 99.85 percent of its life. Lastly, this isn’t even actually denying climate change; it’s just being lazy about trying to do something about it.

Maybe the problem is that nobody has really defined what climate change is. To me it’s a string of weird ski seasons. But, I’m a simple kind of man. Others need more.

So how about a mixture of the preponderance of scientific data showing a distinct warming trend on the planet, aerial photos of glaciers and ice fields from now and 30 years ago that show more shrinkage than do similar pictures of the inauguration day crowds from Barrack Obama’s to Donald Trump’s, all jibing with what nobody can deny has been a string of weird ski seasons?

I saw a snake in my garden in the middle of February this winter, which I understand actually proves nothing except that there was a snake in my garden in February. But, for crying out loud, there was a snake in my garden in February. That’s not normal!

I don’t understand the argument that climate change is a gigantic hoax created in a joint venture between the granola industry and Democrats with the end game being huge windfalls to those who invest in renewable energy technology and Priuses. Why, then, aren’t the deniers, the only ones seemingly on to this conspiracy, not investing in this scam? If they believe what they are saying, wouldn’t the smart thing be to go all in with their 401(k) investing and keep their mouths shut while the con makes them rich? Instead, it looks like foreseeing, at the dawn of the 20th century, the government backing petroleum and railroads and putting all your money in whaling ships.

Meanwhile, we who see the sky falling don’t know what to do for the enormity of the problem at hand. To us it seems the current allocation of resources is too small and spread across too many different things to try hedging the environmental calamity for profit, so we carry our groceries in reusable bags and invest in alcohol.

How “they” got nearly every scientist who studies this sort of thing to participate in this massive fraud is almost as great a mystery as to what these scientists are doing with the big payoffs they are receiving in exchange for their complicity. I have not seen the names of many scientists in the Forbes 500, and any of them looking under the hoods of new Teslas appear to be more interested in taking them apart for study than buying one. While it may be true that the billionaires have replaced the millionaires in Aspen, I doubt there have been many scientists supplanting hedge-fund managers in the homes on Red Mountain.

Somebody in the conspiracy will surely crack soon and spill the beans. It might be me. I have stated my belief in climate change. I have urged you to help save the planet. I am firmly and deliberately in the movement and have yet to receive one red cent for my troubles. I am losing patience. Someone send me a check, or else …

Roger Marolt will make the best of things by taking full advantage of the extended ski season. Email at roger@maroltllp.com.


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