Letter: The Second Amendment: America’s pipe dream
One of our founding fathers came to me in a dream last night. He had an important message and strongly urged me to take heed. He looked a lot like Jesus but wore full George Washington garb. He had an American flag tied around his head like a turban, and he spoke only Spanish. It was weird.
His words were clear and concise and were spoken as follows: “The Second Amendment as we prescribed it for you back in 1787 is now basically an irrelevant f—ing joke. Sorry. But seriously, you nitwits can organize all of the militias you want, and if the local police don’t kill you first, you’ll not stand a chance against the $50 billion-a-year United States military. Stockpile all of the AR-15s you can get your hands on. You’ll still be no match for the drones, missiles, wiretaps, Navy SEALs and warplanes of your American military-industrial complex.”
The kind forefather acknowledged that today’s Team America would rather flex its military muscle on some mysterious youth in faraway lands, riding around in pickup trucks and wearing ISIS flags. But he warned that any hometown mutinous uprising, seeking to overthrow the government — to replace it with Jesus God knows what — would eventually become alarming enough for someone to start pushing buttons. Following this, any guns loaded for “bear,” or random mass killing sprees, would be rendered useless as the full force of the U.S. rained down on the homeland — instead of on Iraq for a change. (Because that lose-lose scenario is getting old.)
“So go ahead; arm yourselves to the teeth,” said the strange forefather, “if you have any left!” he joked. “You’re not going to defend yourself against this government, but you may shoot yourself in the ass or be shot dead by your 4-year-old toddler. You still do have that right.”
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