The hero America needs

Who says there are no more American heroes? We have an example of the type right in the White House. He has assured us that he would throw caution to the wind and storm a school playing host to an active shooter. He would do this even if he weren’t armed, although his beloved Second Amendment permits him to carry a gun anywhere and at all times, concealed or right out in the open, Luger or six-shooter, automatic or semi-automatic, machine gun or musket. This is where his heroism, honed to a deadly edge in the great deferment wars of the ’60s ’70s, comes in. Having no gun, without a knife — jack knife, steak knife, butter knife, you name it, he doesn’t have it — or even the sort of paralyzing spray women are wise to carry against the grab-and-kiss of ego-addled captains of (the golf) industry, our hero must fall back on other resources. Think of it! Moving with a fat-ass agility belying his 71 years, our hero dodges the lethal rat-a-tat-tat and comes face to face with the active shooter. He takes up his hands with the idea of placing them around the killer’s neck and throttling. No dice. The hands can’t encompass the neck. They’re too small! The moment passes and shooter is eventually subdued by an armed shop teacher with a chisel.

David Chamberlain