Pandering to fear

Wow! Pandora’s is the boogeyman for every woe Aspen has — transportation, housing, clean air, water supplies, worker shortages, environmental degradation, parking and more.

Got an issue? It’s all Pandora’s fault, of course. Domestic violence? Yes, unfortunately; they were arguing over Pandora’s. Swollen prostate? You sat too long at the county commissioner meeting, waiting to criticize Pandora’s. Bad breath? Indigestion from Pandora’s.

Pandora’s must be the reason there’s a shortage of early winter snow. And there’s proof (in abused data somewhere) that Pandora’s causes tooth decay, potholes, inflated gasoline prices, and lower student SAT scores.

But there’s a positive side to so much specious blame. If Pandora’s isn’t approved, John Denver will return and so will Hunter Thompson. You’ll always find a parking spot, there will be fresh powder every morning, and the uber-wealthy will be polite and respectful.

Meanwhile, the Aspenites with the greatest concern are adolescents at the middle and high schools. If Pandora’s gets the OK, they’ll all get zits.

Let’s make sure (if Pandora’s is approved) one of the runs is named “Blame Me.” After all, Pandora’s is to blame for everything … even the pandemic. Haven’t you noticed that the first four letters in Pandora’s are the same as the first four letters in “pandemic.” You think that’s just coincidence? Never.

Here’s the truth. The Chinese are behind the Pandora’s expansion. And they’re demanding the most popular Pandora’s run be named “Xi Whiz.”

Now, that explains everything.

Greg Lewis

Snowmass Village