Letter: More words to ponder for Election Day | AspenTimes.com

Letter: More words to ponder for Election Day

Immigration, n.: In 1906, Ambrose Bierce defined an immigrant as an unenlightened person who thinks that one country is better than another. Since 1965, immigration policy in the U.S. has reflected the equally unenlightened belief that other people, bringing with them other vices, are better than the people and vices already residing here.

Illegal, n.: A noun for a certain kind of immigrant, which newspapers are not supposed to use, so there’s no point in defining it.

Patriotism, n.: Famously defined by Samuel Johnson as the last refuge of a scoundrel, although Bierce insisted that it is the first. What remains to be explained is why politicians who have abandoned even the pretense of patriotism are often even greater scoundrels.

Republic, n.: A form of government midway between despotism and anarchy. Republicans are closer to despotism, and Democrats are closer to anarchy, which always leads to despotism; thus the election offers us a clear choice.

Rig, v.: To make a random selection process less random. In political polling, it is the art of phrasing questions so as to produce the desired answers, similar to the way global-warming scientists write the programming for their predictive computer models. In the eyes of Donald Trump, everything is rigged, but except for elections, the justice system and the financial sector, he is probably wrong.

Chad Klinger


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