Letter: Let’s blow up our problems

If I told you there was one thing we could do to solve all the world’s problems, you’d of course think I was crazy, but hear me out. Wars are springing up everywhere now, it seems, civil society is collapsing, economic inequality and poverty are spiraling out of control, environmental degradation, climate change and dwindling resources. Sheesh, the list is long, and these are all really complex and difficult challenges. So, what is the one thing that we can do to solve all of them, you ask? The answer, my friends, has been right under our noses for many years now!

Our aging nuclear arsenal. I mean, we’re finding it seems to have a shorter shelf life than its inherent half-lives, and we’ve been spending all this money for all these years — let’s use it! I know you’re thinking that’s crazy, but I’m going to completely redefine crazy for you.

We nuke ourselves! Of course, we nuke everybody, because that’s the way these things work anyway, but we start with ourselves. Light them up, boys! New York, L.A., Houston, Chicago, hell, even Dotsero — we’ve got plenty of nuclear weapons. Talk about your Second Amendment remedies. Stand your ground.

In keeping with our policy of pre-emptively striking anyone who doesn’t agree with us — you know, all those who think we should have national health care, that the minimum wage should actually be a living wage, that education should be a right and a privilege, that all races are God’s children and that the Earth exists not to be plundered and bludgeoned for profit but to live on in peace — yeah, all those folks, in the first strike. Boom!

The Great Satan straps on a suicide vest, they’ll never see it coming, though they have known for quite some time that we’re crazy enough to do something like that, but could we be that seriously disturbed? Yes, crazy, like a fox! Just like that, all the problems inherent in the human condition that have plagued us throughout history — solved. End of discussion. No more war, poverty, disease, greed, not to mention political debate and gridlock.

And all of us long-suffering taxpayers (I mean after all, we’ve been paying for all this) will finally get our money’s worth and see some real leadership and problem solving. American exceptionalism, indeed! What do you think?

Paul Valentine