Letter: The Devil’s Dictionary, 2016 edition | AspenTimes.com

Letter: The Devil’s Dictionary, 2016 edition

Here, in time for the election season, are a few updated entries from Ambrose Bierce’s classic lexicon:

Vote, n.: The instrument and symbol of a free person’s power to make a fool of oneself and a wreck of one’s country. It was to spare its members such folly that the Colorado GOP did not permit them to vote in a presidential primary this year.

Alt-right, n.: 1. That portion of the public professing belief in self-reliance, fiscal responsibility, the rule of law, pious conduct and other defunct virtues of a nation that it was taught to think of as being much better than it actually is. 2. Wacko birds, and those who vote for wacko birds. 3. Xenophobic, constipated haters.

Alt-left, n.: That portion of the Republican Party that only pretends to believe what the alt-right believes. Formerly referred to as “RINOs,” often mistaken for Democrats. The state of Colorado is considered to be the epicenter of both the alt-left and the full-blown, crazy-ass left. No one knows how the alt-left will vote in November (see “vote,” above), but it has something to do with “conscience,” which is a form of self-interest.

Justice, n.: A commodity that the Justice Department either sells to or withholds from the citizen, depending on his or her party affiliation. Not to be confused with what the Clinton Foundation sells to noncitizens and foreign powers, which neither the Justice Department nor the State Department pays any attention to.

Sustainability, n.: The most-used word in Aspen. Nobody knows what it is or how to achieve it, but Aspenites want it and will vote for it (see “vote,” above).

Chad Klinger


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