Hartley: When eggs, apples and corncobs attack | AspenTimes.com

Hartley: When eggs, apples and corncobs attack

Todd Hartley
I’m With Stupid

There’s an old saying that goes: “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” You’d think this would be obvious, wouldn’t you? I mean, I’ve never lived in a glass house, but I’d like to think that if I did, I’d have enough sense not to throw rocks while inside it.

In fact, I think you could take the saying one step further and just declare that people living in any kind of house shouldn’t throw stones. I think that’s pretty sound advice. Throwing stones indoors is almost always a dumb thing to do.

I, however, would like to propose an additional amendment to the saying, and it goes something like this: “People, regardless of their own housing situation, shouldn’t throw things at other people’s houses.” Again, you’d think this would be obvious, but based on the recent epidemic of people hurling food at homes, it seems that Americans could use a reminder.

The trouble started awhile back in Euclid, Ohio, when Albert Clemens Sr. awoke one morning to find his home had been mysteriously pelted with eggs while he slept. Over the next year, the home would get egged another 100-plus times, damaging the house and, according to Clemens, keeping his family on edge.

Police eventually fingered a 31-year-old former neighbor named Jason Kozan, who pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of inducing panic, which seems a little hyperbolic for egging. I’m not really sure how having eggs thrown at your house at night would make you panic, but then my house has never been egged 100 times, so who am I to say?

Despite his guilty plea, which earned him 18 months’ probation and a $1,000 fine, Kozan maintained his innocence, meaning the egger could still be on the loose and ready to induce panic in some other unsuspecting family.

Now, you might be tempted to say, “Well, that’s Ohio, where egg throwing is practically the national sport. Of course someone’s house got egged 100 times near Cleveland. I’m sure everyone’s house does, but that sort of thing would never happen in the civilized world.”

Well, you’d be wrong. Again. Hot on the heels of the Euclid egging spree came news out of Vancouver, Washington, about a campaign of terror being perpetrated by a bicycle-riding scofflaw who has been throwing apples onto the roofs of houses. The brazen suspect, who remains at large, has been known to leave letters at the scenes of his crimes bragging about his apple-throwing antics in Vancouver and across the Columbia River in Portland, Oregon.

Local law enforcement officials have released surveillance video in hopes that the public can help them identify the perpetrator, but one has to wonder why they would even bother. Why would anyone care that someone threw an apple on their roof? What crime would police even charge the thrower with in the first place?

Meanwhile, across the country in Westerly, Rhode Island, police were recently called to a home that had been targeted by an assailant who fired corncobs at it with a potato gun, which is a homemade cannon of sorts made from PVC pipe that uses a flammable accelerant such as hairspray to fire projectiles.

Police charged 50-year-old Jeffrey Osella, a neighbor who’d had long-running disputes with the homeowner, with the crime. Part of the case against Osella stemmed from the fact that when officers called on him shortly after the attack, he answered the door shirtless with corn kernels stuck to his chest. I wouldn’t call that damning evidence, necessarily, but it couldn’t have helped Osella’s cause.

Thankfully, no one was hurt in any of the aforementioned incidents, but let’s be honest: If something isn’t done soon to stem the scourge of food-throwing, it’s only a matter of time before someone gets killed or worse. As they say, “It’s all fun and games until someone’s eye gets poked out by a corncob that goes right through their orbital bone and pierces their brain.”

So, I, for one, pledge never to throw food at any of my neighbors’ houses again, and I encourage you to make a similar vow. Together, through the act of non-food-hucking, perhaps we can start to heal some of the divisions plaguing us as a nation.

And if, by chance, you find that you absolutely must hurl something edible at your neighbor’s house, try to make it something harmless, like arugula or chia seeds. I’d say you could even throw something as large as a blueberry, but anything bigger could be deadly.

Todd Hartley encourages you all to throw doughnuts on his roof, preferably custard-filled bismarcks. To read more or leave a comment, visit http://zerobudget.net.


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