Hartley: The revolution should not be televised | AspenTimes.com

Hartley: The revolution should not be televised

Todd Hartley
I’m With Stupid

I don’t know about you, but I am really enjoying the beating the idiots at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon are taking online and in social media. Some of the nicknames are awesome: Y’all Qaeda. Vanilla ISIS. If those guys don’t yet realize how stupid they look, they’re even dumber than I thought.

I must say, it was pretty impressive how quickly there were 8 million news stories, blogs and columns about how differently this would be going if these domestic terrorists were people of color or Native Americans instead of lily-white, self-proclaimed patriots. Bravo on your expressions of outrage, everybody. The PC gods are appeased.

For the record, I absolutely agree, but to all those story writers, bloggers and columnists: What do you want the feds to do? Do you want them to storm the place, forcing a shootout and ensuring that a bunch of people will die? How will that make up for the unacceptable treatment of non-whites?

No, I think the feds are handling the situation just fine so far. I think the best solution to this problem is to just turn off the electricity, turn off the water and gas, shut their cellphones and Internet access down and then just let them sit there in the cold and dark, with toilets as full of crap as they are.

While Y’all Qaeda is sitting there, I think the feds should build a fence around the whole compound and not let anyone or anything in or out. Declare the area a potential battle zone and keep everyone 100 yards or so away. The bird sanctuary boneheads said they were prepared to hold out for a year if necessary. Have fun!

Most importantly, the feds need to keep the media away. Say it’s for their own safety, give reporters nothing new to report each day and don’t give the terrorists a voice. The greatest response we as a nation could have to this whole incident would be to forget about it before it even ends. Wouldn’t it be awesome if, when the idiots finally surrender, it took everyone a second or two to remember who they were?

The gunmen who stormed the vacated visitor center want this to be their Alamo. They want to go down fighting and be remembered as martyrs for their cause, whatever the hell it is. Don’t give that to them. They don’t deserve that. Instead of making them martyrs, we need to make them irrelevant — well, more irrelevant, anyway.

If those men want that visitor center that badly, we can cut them a deal: The fenced-in area in which they should be enclosed in exchange for their houses and land. Sure, that might seem a little one-sided, but while they’re actively committing a felony they don’t get to negotiate.

Even after they’re ready to surrender, I think we should make them stay an extra week or two just because we can. We can let them come out to the fence and beg for people to throw food over to them. Let’s make the fence about 25 feet high. That could make for some awesome viral videos of people trying to huck meat.

After they realize how ill-conceived and poorly thought-out their cockamamie plan was, and they’ve had enough and all their guns have been turned over, we can make them march out in their underwear to prove that they’re not carrying any concealed weapons.

Essentially, what I’m saying is that we should ignore this, but since we won’t, we should at least try to keep having fun with it.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m by no means suggesting they shouldn’t pay for breaking several very serious laws. When they reach the fence, they should all immediately be handcuffed and charged with everything we can throw at them. Let them languish in prison for a while, while they wait for their day in court and then — and only then — should we listen to what they have to say.

Because maybe they have a point. To be honest, I don’t know what they stand for other than supporting a couple of convicted arsonists. But if they believe something having to do with states’ rights regarding federal land, then it might be worth hearing in a court case.

Of course, then, after they’ve been given their day in court, they should all be incarcerated forever.

So long, fellows. Maybe next time you stage a revolution, you’ll think it through a little more.

Todd Hartley says he wants a revolution. Well, you know, he’s all doing what he can. To read more or leave a comment, visit http://zerobudget.net.