Hartley: The I’m With Stupid Airing of Grievances | AspenTimes.com

Hartley: The I’m With Stupid Airing of Grievances

It’s Friday the 13th. We’re two days away from the ides of March, the fateful day of which Caesar was warned to beware. There’s chaos in the Middle East and a bitter cultural war here in the U.S. Ill omens abound.

So what does it all mean? I don’t know, but I’m using it as an excuse to get a few gripes off my chest. As Frank Costanza famously said, “I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it!”

Granted, that airing of grievances was part of the Festivus ritual, whereas this one will be just because, but I’m doing it anyway. So here it goes.

The first thing I have a big problem with is that stupid “Game of War” that is airing its ads everywhere all the time right now. I don’t know what it is. I’ve never played it and probably never will. It could be great. I don’t care.

Here’s my gripe: As a human male, I love me some Kate Upton. Duh. I think she looks great in a swimsuit, she seems funny and down-to-earth and I loved her turn as a nun in “The Three Stooges.”

But now that I am forced to see Kate Upton in medieval garb in some insipid ad every time I turn on the TV or play a freemium game on my iPad (yes, I know I could pay a buck or two and skip the ads, but I refuse to on principle), I have begun to loathe Kate Upton.

I don’t know how you did it, “Game of War,” but you made me despise the hottest woman on the planet. Well done.

Now, I’m sure Kate is a big “I’m With Stupid” fan, so Kate, if you’re reading this, please, please, please give the “Game of War” people their money back if they promise to stop running the ads and sabotaging your career.

Anyway, moving on, my next bone to pick is with the word “woah.” I’ve seen it in ads on TV and countless printed materials. I just read an article from Slate.com that talked about the hundreds of times in 2013 that “woah” made it into the headlines of major publications and websites.

“Woah” is not a freaking word, people. The word is “whoa.” Always has been, always will be. If you simply misspell it, fine, but if you deliberately use the wrong form of that word, then I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy-leather, second-hand, electric-donkey bottom biters. And that’s pretty much the worst insult ever. So, yeah, you just live with that now.

My last gripe (well, it’s actually far from my last gripe — trust me on that one — but it’s the last one you’ll get for now), and this one has been brewing for a while, is with gay people.

Wait, let me rephrase that before I get myself in trouble. I have no problem with anyone being gay. I don’t care if they’re born that way or choose to be that way. In fact, I don’t care about them at all.

I promise you that I am no more interested in gay people and what they do and whom they marry than I am in anyone else, which is to say that I have zero interest in any of it. Marry. Sleep together. Get the same rights and freedom from discrimination as everyone else. Design clothes, figure skate and move to San Francisco. I don’t care one iota.

But you can’t have the rainbow for yourselves. That’s horsesh–. You can’t commandeer the rainbow. Seriously, what the hell is that all about? How have rainbows become gay? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Fortunately, I don’t just gripe about things. I’m a man of action. I come up with solutions, and I have a solution for gay people that allows them to keep a rainbow as their symbol, but it’s much more fabulous than plain, old-fashioned ROYGBIV.

Instead of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet, which couldn’t be any more boring, gay people can fashion a rainbow out of garnet, amber, yellow-gold, Russian green, navy, berry and wine.

It’s not too far off from the regular spectrum, at least according to the sources I used; it’s filled with shades that would look great in a living room paired with the right lamp and it forms a much more apropos acronym than ROYGBIV.

Yes, America, behold the GAYRNBW. No need to thank me.

Todd Hartley usually wins the Festivus Feats of Strength in his family. To read more or leave a comment, please visit http://zerobudget.net.

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