Hartley: How the Trump Stole Christmas | AspenTimes.com

Hartley: How the Trump Stole Christmas

Todd Hartley
I’m With Stupid

Every Who in Creation had been dreading Xmas

From Lapps in reindeer land to mothers in Texmas

The crass commercialism! The prices of gifts!

The torture of airports and crowded ski lifts!

Whatever their reasons, they’d had quite enough

And between 60 zillion they raised such a huff

That it built up as vapor, a voluminous cloud

Of everyone’s issues, the whole madding crowd

And that cloud headed northward past Juneau and Nome

To out where the musk ox and caribou roam

Now out on that tundra there’s a curious cavern

That’s mentioned in whispers at the next-nearest tavern

They say that the cave is the carcass-strewn lair

Of a creature so vicious, of such evil air

That it’s very existence could topple world orders

And threaten relationships, treaties and borders

The one thing, they claim, that keeps it at bay

Is that it has no means of learning our way

So it festers out there in its cavernous dump

The frightening creature that’s known as the Trump!

The Trump sat alone with his horrible thinking

When he swore that he heard some something a-slinking

So he poked out his head to see who had the audacity

And he sniffed up a snootful of something so gasity

That he knew in an instant, his nostrils a-burning

He had finally figured a method of learning

For that cloud he inhaled in his lungally pipes

Was naught but the fumes of humanity’s gripes

As he breathed in that knowledge it gave him a reason

To creep from his cave to go kill Xmas season!

To start, thought the Trump, I will crown myself king

By rigging this whole U.S. election-y thing

Then I’ll raise a whole pointless kerfuffle with China

Oh, just wait till I do it! No one else does it finer!

And I’ll let Russia think that I’m their best friend

When, truth be known, they’re a means to an end

And that end, if you must know, is the end as we know it

If there’s chaos for sowing, I’ll be there to sow it

And if I get my way, oh wait, there’s much more

By this Xmas season I’ll start a world war!

So the Trump set his sights on the masses’ demise

With his con games and fast talk, his insults and lies

And at first he got people to follow along

But in time he decided that he’d got it all wrong

For the people, less all of their groans and their gripes

He found that they’re not such despicable types

And when you learn through a black cloud of evil osmosis

You learn nothing worth learning. Everyone knows this!

Such conflicted feelings got that old Trump a-guessin’

And he decided he’d teach everybody a lesson

For his first point of order on assuming the throne

The Trump knocked out service to everyone’s phone

Then he shut down the Internet, made it ungettable

Which everyone screamed was a state most regrettable

But the Trump wouldn’t listen, he chose to decline

The people, he said, must live their lives offline

And then a funny thing happened when the griping all stopped

We got out and moving and our blood pressure dropped

And we weren’t all so angry, our moods weren’t so gray

And by the very next Xmas, the Trump went away

Todd Hartley, that beacon of holiday cheer, bids you merry Christmas and happy New Year! To read more or leave a comment, visit http://zerobudget.net.