Hartley: Arby’s assault a sign of no-bacon Apocalypse

Todd Hartley
I’m With Stupid

So with the New York primaries over and the resounding victories for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, it’s looking more and more as if that will be our choice for president: Trump or Clinton. Looked at in that light, I guess what happened in Oklahoma makes perfect sense. In fact, it almost seems inevitable.

But before I go any further, I want to take one last opportunity to implore you before it’s too late: Please, now, while there’s still time, nominate John Kasich and Bernie Sanders. The future of the human race depends on it.

Oh, you think I’m kidding? Then how else do you explain the incident that occurred in Oklahoma City just last weekend?

What happened was that a 36-year-old man, Dante Rashad Anderson, assaulted a worker at an Arby’s. According to reports, after demanding food and being turned away at a Carl’s Jr., Anderson went into Arby’s, jumped up on the counter and went into the kitchen, where he grabbed an employee by the arms and forced her against a wall. He then grabbed a handful of food and walked out.

Now, I’m sure that sort of thing happens all the time in Oklahoma City and isn’t normally a portent of the end times, but this case is different. This time, it’s not what the alleged criminal did; it’s what he said and what he stole, and those things should chill you to the bone.

Anderson claimed — and I have no reason to doubt his word — that he was from four years in the future, when everyone is dead.

Did you read that? Everyone is dead in four years. That’s one presidential term. That’s about what I’d expect if Clinton wins the election. If Trump wins, I’ll be shocked if it takes that long.

But even worse than human extinction is what Anderson grabbed, which I can only assume are the things he misses most in future, post-apocalyptic America: bacon and chicken.

Do you understand what that means? There’s no bacon or chicken in the future. Thanks, Obama. I can only wonder which comes first in this chicken-and-egg scenario. Is there no bacon or chicken because there’s no one to raise pigs and poultry? Or does humanity die off because something happens to bacon and chicken? I could understand that. I wouldn’t want to live in that future either.

Here’s what I think happens to us: First, I think Clinton is going to win the presidency because as stupid as we are, I still think we’re not really stupid enough to elect Trump. We’re stupid enough to elect Clinton, I have no doubt, but not Trump. I just can’t imagine that happening, even now.

As a result, emboldened by having our first female president, who I’m sure claims to eat a healthy diet if that’s what people want to hear, liberal vegan activists are going to push through legislation banning meat. Thus, there will be no bacon or chicken.

Forced to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables, everyone will become so anemic that when Libyan rebels invade, we’ll be unable to fight back. (I made the rebels Libyan because they know the truth about what happened in Benghazi: Clinton was actually there that night and killed somebody herself.)

Once the Libyans take over, they’ll launch all of our nuclear weapons at everyone, and everyone will respond by launching their nuclear weapons at us, and it’ll be just like the end of “Dr. Strangelove,” and everyone will die.

Of course, if Trump wins, most of the population will die by committing suicide. The people who don’t, the ones who voted for Trump — well, it’s unlikely that their combined mental wattage could power a light bulb. I have a hard time believing they’ll be even the least bit successful running the country. I think it’s safe to assume that they’ll all starve to death, but just to be sure, Trump will probably launch an all-out nuclear war on everyone anyway.

So I guess the only question that remains is: Can we change the future? Thanks to Anderson and his Arby’s antics, we know what the future holds if we continue on our current path. It’s not good. If we can, we need to do everything in our power to alter it.

But perhaps it really is inevitable. Maybe that’s our fate no matter what happens, and no amount of Kasich or Sanders can save us. In that case, so long, bacon and chicken, it was damn nice knowing you.

Todd Hartley is going to start raising pigs and chickens in his survival bunker right now. To read more or leave a comment, visit