Glenn K. Beaton: We’re all racists now

Glenn K. Beaton
The Aspen Beat

In case you haven’t kept up, I’m here to tell you that you’re a racist. We all are. Here’s the update.

Bette Midler is racist for suggesting that blacks who support President Donald Trump have been paid to say that.

Justin Beiber. Yes, he’s Canadian, but he’s a racist anyway.

President Trump, according to Joe Biden.

Joe Biden, according to Joe Biden.

Trump supporters. Duh.

People who are tired of being called “racist” and people who don’t like being called a racist. (Query: What about the people who do like being called racist?)

Anyone who calls anyone else a “boy.” Happy parents to healthy newborns are apparently supposed to shriek, “It’s a male!” (Or does that violate a gender rule? Maybe just announce breathlessly, “It’s a human!”)

White yoga women, white evangelicals, white people who are not ashamed of bring white, white critics of the Internal Revenue Service, white gun owners, and all other white people.

An app to help people avoid dangerous neighborhoods.

The Confederate flag, the American flag, the Massachusetts flag and the Betsy Ross flag.

Anyone who thinks people should be judged on the content of their character, not the color of their skin.

Martin Luther King Jr.

People who dislike President Barack Obama and people who think he sometimes gets angry.

People who think voters should have to produce identification.

Supporters of black GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain.

CNN, for calling black rap singer Kanye West “the token negro of the Trump administration.”

Chess, skiing and basketball.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson for calling the Scots “a verminous race.” (OK, buster, no more scotch for you.)

Jews who support Israel.

People who believe in national borders, even if they’re just Canadian ones.

Republicans and Democrats.

Corporations that own NBA teams.

Your subconsciousness.

Your wardrobe, your beard, your shoes, your pickup truck and your college.

The SAT test that got you into that college


Capitalism, socialism, communism and fascism.

Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism and Islam.

Opponents of affirmative action.

Proponents of affirmative action.

The AIDS virus.

Diabetes, asthma, strokes, high blood pressure and cancer.

The commission of violent crime.

Punishment for the commission of violent crime.

Americans, British, Japanese, Norwegians, Mexicans, French and Africans.

Everyone else.

Well, not everyone. Some people are not racist, because it’s impossible for someone of their race to be racist. For example, blacks cannot be racist. Some Asians contend otherwise, but that just proves that Asians are racist and blacks aren’t.

Apart from those weird exceptions, it’s racism inflation all over the place. Even if you think you’re not a racist, and people around you think you’re not, you probably are, at least subconsciously. Your denial is proof of your guilt.

All this would be comical except that it carries a real risk. If everyone is racist, then nobody is. The term loses its opprobrium. It’s like accusing someone of masturbation. So what?

The net effect is that real racists get a pass. When someone calls them out for their racism, they can say, “The race card? Really? Is that all you got?”

But racism really is terrible. Judging people by the color of their skin and not the content of their character is destructive and unfair (notwithstanding that, as pointed out above, some believe today that it is racist to do otherwise).

In addition, overplaying the race card invariably plays it against people who don’t deserve it. Just because a person thinks America should have a secure border, plays chess, drives a pickup truck, believes in capitalism, socialism or Judaism, defends affirmative action, wears a beard or doesn’t like being called a racist, doesn’t make him a racist.

It’s fun to call people vile names when you disagree with them. But it’s not productive, persuasive, grown-up or honest. It’s just cheap insults and lazy thinking.

Now go ahead and prove my point in the comments by ignoring the issue and instead calling me names.

Next up: We’re all masturbating Nazis now.

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