Glenn Beaton: I’ll give you free stuff if you vote for me, and abort you if you don’t

Glenn Beaton
The Aspen Beat

The former CEO of Starbucks has a marketing knack for virtue-signaling feel-goodery. He’s the one who turned Starbucks restrooms for customers into shoot-up stalls for vagrants.

Now this life-long Dem is running for president. But he’s running as an independent because today’s Dems think he’s too conservative.

In Dem circles these days, here’s what a candidate must offer to avoid that lethal label of “too conservative.” If I run, I intend to offer it. For free of course.

Free participation trophies. Limiting participation trophies to only those who participate is hurtful to the others. I’ll give participation trophies whether you participate or not.

Free Medicare. A couple of presidents ago, we had one who famously, falsely and repeatedly assured us, “If you like your health insurance, you can keep it.”

That’s so 2009.

My slogan will be, “If you like your health insurance, you’re a criminal.” I’ll make private health insurance illegal, and instead put everyone on government Medicare and put the doctors in a government union that supports the Democratic Party.

The effect will be a huge wealth transfer away from the pockets of workers who will pay raised Medicare taxes, and into the coffers of their employers who will be prohibited from providing private insurance. But I’ll do it without raising Medicare taxes.

Free big government. Big government is an inalienable right, and you shouldn’t have to pay for it. I’ll make other people pay by raising taxes on everyone who makes more than you do.

Free housing. Houses cost money. That’s socially unjust because people with more money get more house. Houses should be free, small and identical, except that I’ll get the big white one in Washington, D.C.

Social Services will have keys to the houses so that they can conduct no-knock inspections to make sure your kids are watching Masterpiece Theater in pussy hats and not Steven Seagal movies in MAGA hats.

Free jail. I realize that jail is already rent-free for convicted criminals. But I’ll send people to jail just for being accused if the accusation is by a registered Dem. Unless the accused can prove their innocence beyond a reasonable doubt.

They’ll stay there until they confess to the crime they’re accused of, and then they’ll stay there for committing the crime to which they confessed. That’ll deter them from being accused of committing crimes against Dems.

Free college. College provides zillions of easy jobs with long vacations for aging hippies, and teaches youngsters that it’s cool and compassionate to be a Dem. I’ll make college free and mandatory.

For people who have already borrowed money to purchase a degree in, say, gender studies , I’ll make the engineering and business grads pay their loans.

Free borders. It’s morally wrong that white Europeans (you can complete this sentence with any words convenient to your narrative) stole America from Native Americans who had been stealing it from one another for thousands of years.

So we’ll abolish the American borders so that Latin Americans can steal it from us.

Freedom to arm bears. Gun owners will be required to give their guns to the government for free. Except the ones who refuse, whom we’ll call ugly names.

Same goes for plastic straws.

Then the government can give all those guns to bears in the woods. Because I’ve read the Second Amendment to the Constitution, and I know it guarantees the right to arm bears.

Free abortion. In that Dem bastion called New York City, over one in three pregnancies ends in abortion and the Dem state legislature just passed a law to allow more. They now allow abortions to be performed by non-doctors up to the time of birth.

I’m too squeamish to get specific, but let’s just say that’s a good start.

Free speech. The First Amendment was never intended to cover speech, anthems or hats that Dems don’t like. That’s all hate speech and therefore constitutes violence which will be outlawed. But all other speech will be free. And mandatory.

Free shoot-up stalls. It’s wrong that people have to go find a Starbucks restroom when they want to shoot up. I’ll make all bathrooms publicly available for shooting up, including yours.

Other free stuff. You’ve noticed that some people have more stuff than you have. I feel your pain.

Such people are greedy, deplorable barbarians who have probably used their guns to violate the upcoming laws against private health insurance while singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” in patriotic hats and sipping domestic beer through plastic straws.

They will be arrested and aborted, and I will give their stuff to you so that you have more of it than they do. Because equity.

Provided you pay me for it with money and votes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to use the restroom.

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