Gina Murdock: The greatest love of all
Lead with Love
On April 6, 2021, my life changed forever. On this day, two itty-bitty miracles were placed into my arms. Four blue eyes, two perfect miniature noses and rosebud lips, four delicate, tiny ears so soft and intricate, those 20 amazing little fingers on four deliciously dimpled hands, the most precious little feet with pine-nut-sized-toes curled into them.
How these two magical beings lived inside my body intertwined for eight months without damaging each other is a completely miraculous thing. They had to learn to cooperate from the earliest days because they shared a food source. If one took too much, the other would suffer.
Somehow, they tracked nearly identically through all those weeks in my body, peaceful, it seemed, as the entire world was consumed by COVID, political vitriol and racial trauma.
These girls grew from the size of a poppy seed in those early, nauseous, quiet weeks to a small watermelon — well, two small watermelons, actually, by the time they were born.
Speaking of two, I want to share with you one of the few advantages of a “high risk” pregnancy is that you get lots and lots of pictures. When I was just seven weeks pregnant I went in for my first ultrasound. The doctor casually said, “Oh there are two.”
Not anything like “THERE ARE TWO!” which would be the way she should have said it, but she just assumed I had forgotten to tell her I had two babies in there. Of course, I had no idea I had two babies in there. I was almost certain there was one because I saw the doctor put one embryo in my body and some blood tests confirmed that the microscopic little thing was becoming less microscopic.
Somehow, after just the first few days of implantation, that sneaky little microscopic miracle — that I had waited more than 10 years for, by the way — decided she needed a pal and split in two. Doctors still don’t know how or why identical twins happen and it’s quite rare; so rare in fact, that when I called my doctor to tell him he said, “I don’t think so. It’s too early to tell.” Ha! Old white male doubting miracles. Come on. I saw them with my own eyes.
Further ultrasounds proved that there were indeed two and they were amazing and brilliant and full of miracle organs and glands and bones and muscles that made them two teeny, weeny, humans. I got to know these two humans in utero and with my husband began to dream them forward into the beings they are today.
For parents who had to work — physically, mentally and emotionally — to get pregnant, to see life growing week by week is such a profound miracle. A blessing. It is also, in fact, terrifying because each test could reveal something wrong. Something amiss. Something to once again steal that euphoria at realizing a long-held dream. I mean, I can tell you, when I heard “there are two,” I floated. My body literally became air. I flashed back to all the work I’d done on myself to clear the channel, the prayers and vision boards that depicted two from years before.
I was hoping and praying for twins for years, but this time I was just so happy with one. Finally, I wasn’t even asking for more. Just give me this one, Lord. Let me be a mother.
When I started Lead with Love in 2014, I had this profound message come through that the organization, and my life, was to be dedicated to shifting from fear to love. As a nonprofit organization, we do that through myriad events and programs designed to elevate consciousness and awareness toward a more loving state.
Personally, I created that shift through training in Spiritual Psychology, yoga and meditation. I learned how to recognize fear, to witness it, comfort the parts that were scared and create an alchemy within myself to shift from fear to love. I felt I had become somewhat “free” after learning way too many hard lessons about attachment and longing during my fertility journey.
Now that I was pregnant, I still really couldn’t believe it. I had felt a lot of fear in my body and mind that I would never be able to realize this dream. Then, April 6, 2021, I felt these two little beings on my chest. I saw their tiny lungs sucking in their first breaths of life. I heard the intense wail of Allegra as she popped out of my body, and the curiosity of Bijoux as she quietly (for a moment) looked around taking things in.
It is real. They are real. I am a mama. I have experienced the greatest love of all.
Gina Murdock is the founder of Lead with Love, an Aspen-based nonprofit dedicated to shifting culture from fear to love. For more information about Lead with Love, go to http://www.ILeadWithLove.org.