You may be a metrosexual if … |

You may be a metrosexual if …

Alison Berkley

Aspen, CO ColoradoMy friend Dana thinks every guy she meets is gay.It’s like this blanket excuse she uses to explain a wide variety of odd behavior, like, “Oh, he didn’t call you back? He’s definitely gay,” or “What, he wants to hang out with his best friend instead of you? Totally gay.”I used to think this was a little story us girls tell each other when we’re essentially being rejected. But now I’m not so sure. I gotta say, the metrosexual thing has me a little bit confused.Like, what happened to all the real men? What happened to stinky cigars and the sour smell of scotch? Where are all the bad clothes and the ugly furniture that women loved to hate? That’s how I think of my grandpa and my dad, sitting in silence sipping Chivas Regal wearing tube socks with loafers and smoking cherry tobacco out of one of those corncob pipes in my dad’s den, a dark room filled with books and rich colored wood that smelled like Old Spice and dust.I’m not saying there are no more manly men but there sure are a lot of girly men these days. I’m worried that maybe we modern women emasculated you a little too much and I’m sorry. I’ll be more submissive, I promise. Just put down that bottle of designer cologne and hair gel (oh sorry, “pomade”) and listen to me for just a second.For starters, you shouldn’t have more designer jeans in your closet than me. You shouldn’t know what designer jeans are, for that matter.Like this one time, I ran into a metro friend of mine at the store and he goes, “Are those True Religions? Spin around, let me see the back.”He stood in the middle of the produce aisle checking out my jeans from all angles. “Oh, I love the flap pockets on those.” Not manly: admiring a girl’s jeans instead of what’s in them.I get it that you office boys need to be presentable and whatnot, but whatever nice clothes you have in your closet should have been picked out for you by a girl (mother, sister, ex girlfriend) and you really shouldn’t know anything about them beyond what she told you. The manly man likely wears the same type of stuff he had back in high school because that’s what his mom sends him for Christmas every year and chances are she bought it at The Gap. I love to take my boys shopping at J Crew (one step above The Gap) or Quiksilver (the surf brands do a good job at fusing masculinity and style). But the branding stops there.Then there’s the hair. I don’t care what your Aspen stylist said. You shouldn’t be using anything besides shampoo unless it has some kind of blade attached to it. Whenever I go to Costa Rica to see my brother, we stay at this hotel in San Jose that has an old school barber shop run by a grumpy old barber. He puts my brother in the chair and shaves his head, face, and neck with thick shaving cream that smells like lime and a straightedge razor big as an ax. That’s cool. That’s old school. Play with your sideburns or leave the flavor savor if you have to, but please don’t style your hair. Please. And if I find a hair dryer in your bathroom cabinet, I’m going to assume that your mom left it there by accident during her last visit, especially if I’ve already had sex with you.Speaking of hair, I’m not sure where I stand on the whole shaving the genital area thing. I mean, I do it, which is why I’m thinking maybe you shouldn’t? The way I see it is I’m just not expecting smooth skin down there. It’s like sitting on the toilet in the middle of the night when someone forgot to put the seat down (now that’s manly). It’s too smooth and slippery, like you might fall in. You need some traction, if you know what I mean.Other metrosexualisms I might hiccup on: I understand body piercing is sexy and I do love the metal-rod-going-through-the-hole thing as long as your little family jewels don’t outshine mine. Just stay away from anything too sparkly or shiny (stainless steel is fine) and if you have a jewelry box, please hide it or tell me you use it to store your weed. When it comes to cologne, I’d rather get a whiff of Irish Spring or that Sport Deodorant by Shtick than something that smells like the makeup counter at Nordstrom’s. If I really have good chemistry with a guy, I’d take the smell of his sweat over that nose-hair burning cologne any day.The other thing that trips me out is when a guy’s apartment is nicer than mine. I don’t have a problem with him wanting to create a nice space for himself. That’s nice. But when everything is color coordinated and looks like its been renovated by the Fab Five, I can’t help but think there’s a reason they call it a “woman’s touch.” If you have matching throw pillows or an elaborate bedding ensemble I’m going to assume your last girlfriend picked it out for you when you weren’t looking. For some reason it doesn’t turn me on to think of you spending hours at Bed, Bath & Beyond looking at thread count and searching for sateen. Please keep it focused on the TV or that giant set of speakers because trust me when I say bigger really is better and hard is preferable over soft.Call me catty, but when it comes to what’s in your house, your hair, and your underwear, I ‘d like to be able to tell the difference between your turf and mine.The Princess believes now more than ever that the goods really are odd. Send your “Am I too metro?” questions to