Winds of change blowing for clichs
In a blow to jackasses everywhere, a study published this week in the journal Nature suggests that nice guys actually finish first. Harvard University analyzed 100 Boston-area students who repeatedly played the same game over the course of a year and found that those who attempted to garner all-around cooperation ultimately fared better than those who meted out punishment to their competitors.That isnt the only recent reversal of fortune for some time-tested clichs.According to next weeks issue of The New England Journal of Medicine, as it turns out, blondes actually have more phlegm than fun. While scientists have long hypothesized that the chest congestion of bleached blondes Marilyn Monroe, Anna Nicole Smith, the future children and grandchildren of Paris Hilton, for example was far worse than those born towheaded such as Grace Kelly, Princess Diana, Malibu Barbie its now been proven that naturally fair-haired individuals suffer more frequently from excess mucus than redheads and brunettes as well as their faux-flaxen counterparts (still unknown is how the levels compare to those with frizzy and no hair).The Journal says that lab tests have conclusively revealed that those in possession of auricomous roots are so troubled when discovering their follicular connection to such a big word that they often consume excessive amounts of alcohol to cope. And, as cigarette smoking often accompanies heavy drinking, the result is a mixture of mucins, water, electrolytes, epithelial cells and leukocytes secreted by glands lining the nasal, esophageal and other body cavities.Dorothy Gale famously uttered, Theres no place like home in 1939, a line that had some tourists in Alaska shuddering not long ago. After being forced off a Caribbean cruise ship in the middle of the night over the Christmas holiday due to an outbreak of Legionnaires disease, even though there were three days left before their trip was scheduled to end, the Taylor family was in no mood for anything but the comfort of their own beds. They sleepily gave instructions to their travel agent to send them home immediately and then boarded a red-eye bound for what they assumed was Topeka.However, when they woke the next day as the plane was landing, they looked out their windows and saw icebergs, realizing instantly they werent in Kansas. Angrily, they called the travel agent from inside the Nome, Alaska, airport and upon hearing the next available flight wasnt for another day, the Taylors started throwing large objects around the captains lounge. When a chair hit the Coke machine and a Sprite burst through the door, hitting a flight attendant in the shoulder, Homeland Security rushed in and the police were called.In a show of solidarity with her states 17th most populous city, Governor Sarah Palin has since banned Netflix from ever sending DVDs of The Wizard of Oz to anywhere in Alaska in order to avoid any reminders of the disturbing incident.Fox 47 in Lansing, Mich., reported a week after Valentines Day of a boys night out gone bad. Telling their wives on Feb. 14th not to despair, as absence makes the heart grow fonder, a group of five men left for the evening to play some poker and visit a local gentlemens club. After conferring with one another on the phone, the wives realized absence had, indeed, made their hearts grow fonder. Of being alone. The men all returned home early the next morning to find their locks had been changed and divorce lawyers notified.Finally, more evidence that yet another revised edition of The Dictionary of Clichs is needed is the phrase A stitch in time saves nine. It first appeared in print in Thomas Fullers Gnomologia in 1732, and has since become a popular adage warning of the perils of procrastination. However, an investigative report published earlier this year in The Washington Post revealed there was actually a typo in Fullers book, and the phrase was meant to read, A stitch in twine paves swine.After months of exhaustive research, though, the Post reporter wasnt able uncover the intended meaning of the phrase. So his editor stepped in and added his two cents. He said the reporter needed to throw in the towel and move on because the search was half-cocked, he was barking up the wrong tree, Rome wasnt built in a day, all good things must come to an end and this, too, shall pass.E-mail questions or comments firstname.lastname@example.org.