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Warning signs

Barry Smith

WARNING!

Not to be taken internally. May cause intestinal discomfort. Should symptoms persist, consult a physician.

WARNING!

May cause complications in pregnancy or near-pregnancy. Should pregnancy persist, consult a pediatrician.

WARNING!

Not for prolonged use. Should rash, swelling or infection occur, discontinue use. Refrigerate after opening. Keep container closed tightly. Should container lid become loose, consult a technician.

WARNING!

May cause difficulty in digestion, reddening of the eyes or excessive mucus production. Clean the affected area before application. If nervousness, dizziness or sleeplessness occur, do not induce vomiting, at least not on yourself.

WARNING!

The beneficial medication may cause a temporary and harmless darkening of the tongue and stool. Should you find yourself becoming preoccupied with the color of your tongue or stool, consult a psychiatrist.

WARNING!

Keep this and everything else out of the reach of children. If solution changes color or becomes cloudy, do not use. Should YOU change color or become cloudy, consult a beautician.

WARNING!

Do not exceed recommended dosage. Some drowsiness or mild stupor may occur, but look around … you’re not alone. Should drowsiness persist, take a nap.

WARNING!

To avoid contamination, do not touch tip of container to any surface. Once opened, discard immediately, do not use. Should accidental use occur, purchase more of this product and discard immediately, again. Consult a mathematician.

WARNING!

Not to be taken internally. Or externally. Or rectally. Especially not to be taken internally immediately following a failed attempt to take rectally. Should you attempt this, probably best not to consult anyone about it.

WARNING!

Flammable. Keep away from fire, flame, flint, welding torches. If conditions worsen, extinguish. Avoid storing in high temperatures or direct sunlight. This is medicine, not a lizard.

WARNING!

Do not use if safety seal is broken. Take only on an empty stomach. May cause need for even more prescription drugs to quell negative side effects. Consult a TV commercial.

WARNING!

Keep in cool, dry place. Avoid contact with mucus membranes, yours and anyone else’s, which is, quite honestly, something you should know by now. Take with food or milk, induce vomiting, then take some more.

WARNING!

Familiarizing yourself with the negative side effects of this product may lead to depression, paranoia, and a deep questioning of whether or not a bout of fecal incontinence is worth trading for whatever it is you thought was wrong with you to begin with. Consult someone if you want, but they’re just gonna give you more drugs.

WARNING!

For emergency use only, and even then we don’t recommend it. May cause mild discomfort, swelling of the glands and death. Should death persist, consult a mortician.

Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com


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