Vote Goldie for Aspen mayor
With the umpteenth humdrum mayoral election just over a week away, it might be time for Aspenites to think outside the local yokel candidate box and finally embrace the city’s reputation as a playground for Hollywood elite. No offense to Bonnie Behrend, Mick Ireland, Tim Semrau and Torre, but maybe it’s time for someone with a substantial Q rating – someone in touch with her inner Us Weekly – to take charge.Say what you will, but second (and third, fourth and fifth) homeowners from the Left Coast contribute generously to the local economy during their annual high season long weekend visits. They deserve a chance to call the shots for a change. After all, without Jennifer Lopez, Mariah Carey and Melanie Griffith awkwardly navigating the icy downtown sidewalks in their four-inch Jimmy Choo stilettos, traipsing through the Christian Dior and Fendi boutiques in thinly veiled attempts to seek temporary warmth from the oft-bitter December temperatures and making the obligatory walk to the gondola with their forever-brand new skis or snowboards tucked under their arms, Aspen wouldn’t make the Entertainment Tonight broadcasts or the pages of People nearly as often as it does every Christmas season.Just think, if part-time Aspenite Jack Nicholson – who knows a little something about playing the boss, hence his title role in 1992’s “Hoffa” and the Academy Award nomination he earned for portraying Col. Nathan R. Jessep in “A Few Good Men” – were elected mayor, Aspen Peak magazine may be moved to join The Aspen Times and Aspen Daily News in reporting the minutiae of City Council meetings. Wouldn’t Steve Barwick, Aspen’s own Dick Cheney, be the perfect cover model for the glossy summer issue?Oprah, who has long been rumored to own homes in Telluride, Vail and/or Aspen, would likely excel in Aspen’s top job. And as the owner of several of the town’s official canine breed – the golden retriever – surely she’d be among the local good Samaritans picking up doggie doo along the Rio Grande Trail today. Or, better yet, she might just alert the world to the ongoing plight of the never-ending poop on the trail and the evil dog owners who knowingly allow it to sit there all winter. Let’s just hope the Aspen airport can accommodate a Gulfstream as large as hers.Part-time locals Robert Wagner and Jill St. John, who were heard (calling in from Los Angeles) on NPR’s news quiz program “Wait, Wait … Don’t Tell Me” when it taped in Aspen in March, could consider running together. Sure, no other city has ever had co-mayors before. But then again, no other city can claim to have spent 30 plus years agonizing, arguing, crying and whining about how to move cars along a two-mile stretch of road toward the only existing entrance into town. That has to count for something, right?Sixth homeowner Michael Douglas – what, with his Oscar-winning turn as Gordon “Greed is good” Gekko in Oliver Stone’s 1987 cinematic masterpiece, “Wall Street” – would undoubtedly do well overseeing Aspen’s $100-plus million budget. Think how well he’d fit in with the multi-home owners and their slicked back hair and overpriced, overrated art collections. Under his leadership, the city would undoubtedly break new height and square footage records on future developments, leaving the Klanderud administration to eat the construction debris dust from the comparatively paltry projects approved during its tenure.Barry Bonds, who has been spotted working out at The Aspen Club, would almost definitely double the city’s African American population, even if he just managed to appear at a few council meetings a year.And there’s always Aspen’s pretty boy – Kevin Costner. If he’s ready to act well in a movie, well, then we just might be ready to have him try his hand at acting as mayor. But that’s a real big if.Having a real celebrity in the center chair at city council meetings would allow Aspenites to accept those who have put this little mountain hamlet on the map. Hey, since none of the town’s major problems ever seem to get resolved anyway, a little gimmick to ensure Aspen’s future place in the spotlight couldn’t hurt. Those with the rundown little condos and postage stamp-sized homes who keep seeing their annual appreciations practically quadruple might think about what will happen to those same property values should Aspen’s glitzy reputation begin to bore the national media.Carmel, Calif., had Clint Eastwood. Sonny Bono was Palm Springs’ own. C’mon, Aspen. On May 8, let’s mix it up and rock the vote. Write in Goldie Hawn for mayor. (Never mind that Goldie technically lives over 15 miles outside of Aspen. Wasn’t there someone who ran for Aspen City Council two years ago who actually lived in Snowmass?E-mail questions or comments to email@example.com.
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In this election at least, you can vote with your middle finger or vote for our girls, but not both, according to columnist Meredith Carroll.