Uneasy Islam and other college courses
I never finished college, but hey, I’ve done OK without it. Still, whenever the new Colorado Mountain College catalog comes out, I like to sign up for a few classes, as I’m always able to find some that seem to have been designed specifically with me in mind. Here are a few that I’m considering for the upcoming semester:ACCOUNTINGACC-155/Credit-1Special Topic: Give It UpThis brief but useful course will demonstrate just how dreadfully, hopelessly useless you are when it comes to accounting, estate planning, tax preparation, money management, math and numbers in general. Student will be provided with a list of local CPAs for hire.ARTART-323/Credits-3Pretending To Understand ArtRaises your art comprehension level from clod to snob. Explores composition, line, color, theme and dimension, and how to use each of them in an impressive sentence while standing, brow furrowed, in front of an expensive painting that you honestly think could have been done by your cat.Prerequisite: Pretending to Like JazzART-203/Credits-2Figure DrawingTwo words – “Naked models.” We’ll see you there. COMPUTERSCOMP-808/Credit-1Special Topic – Left-Handed Keystroking SkillsLearn the agility required to quickly type entire conversations using only the left-hand home row keys. Ex: “wht r u wearng?”Prerequisite: Low standards and high speed Internet.EDUCATIONEDU-836/Credits-3Coping Without An EducationStrategies on how to deal with the condescending little smirk that appears on the faces of others when you announce, as you so often do, “I never finished college, but hey, I’ve done OK without it!” Topics include deep breathing, backward counting and calm blue ocean visualization.Prerequisite: Bitterness Management RefresherLANGUAGEEOS-212/Credits-1EOS-English as the Only LanguageModerated discussion on the benefits of making everyone else learn the language that you already know. Students will learn to yell “Talk American or go home!” in several different tongues. Small American flag required for first class.Prerequisite: Born and raised here, dammit.SOCIOLOGYSOC-105/Credits-3Introduction to IslamStudents will be introduced to Islam, followed by a long, uncomfortable silence with nobody really knowing what to say next. In an effort to break the ice, Islam will mention a recently viewed TV program, but none of the students will have seen it yet, though one of them has TiVo’d it and plans to watch it soon. Students and Islam will look at their shoes, then the clock, then their fingernails. Someone will say, jokingly, “I wonder if this is gonna be on the final?” and everyone will chuckle briefly, only to return to sitting in strained silence for the remainder of the semester.Prerequisite: Introduction to CalculusSOC-200/Credits-1Beginning Intermediate AdvancementExplores the intermediate stages of beginning advancement, with a focus on advanced intermediaries. Students will begin to advance, though only moderately, and will gain understanding of the advanced stages of intermediate beginnings. There will be a field trip.Barry Smith’s column runs in The Aspen Times on Mondays. His e-mail address is barry@Irrelativity.com, and his very own Web page is at http://www.Irrelativity.com
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In this election at least, you can vote with your middle finger or vote for our girls, but not both, according to columnist Meredith Carroll.