I was at a little birthday soiree the other night and every single girl there was dressed in some variation of the exact same outfit, including me. It was very “Stepford Wives” meets “Beverly Hills 90210.”You would have thought I might have discovered my own sense of personal style by now, but it turns out I’m not the first one to go out in a camisole top and jeans. I’m not sure if it’s a case of being tragically hip or if it’s just because everyone in Aspen shops at the same five stores. But either way, we’re talking about some serious trends, one more ridiculous than the next:Ridiculous Trend No. 1: capri pantsIn an effort to curb my obscene spending habits (and subsequent credit card debt), I have tried to avoid buying things I know are going to be so-last-year in two weeks, and Capri pants are one of them. I actually took a pair of scissors my True Religion jeans and cut them at the knee, hoping that would alleviate whatever temptation I had to purchase one more strand of overpriced denim. All of a sudden I find myself at PE 101, a store I don’t frequent often, pulling a pair of high waters (remember when we used to call them that?) over my sticky, sweaty legs behind a curtain in what looks to be a very small storage closet. These not-pants/not-shorts put me out 200 smackers, so I’ve made a point of wearing them every day to bring down the cost-per-use.And here’s the thing: They’re hot during the day and always feel a little silly at night, like they’d be more appropriate for a picnic. I imagine wearing them with a scarf tied around my head, carrying a wicker basket with fried chicken and white wine, skipping down some dock on the bayou with Ashley Judd. These things literally just don’t fit.Camisole topsI don’t know how the negligee made its way out of the bedroom, but everyone is wearing these slinky little tops with (choose one) lace/sequins/bows. These glorified jammies are everywhere, in silk and satin, in pink, orange and baby blue, with stripes and polka dots and flowers. Whoever designed these things clearly didn’t think about how you’re supposed to shove your boobs into them without looking obscene (or maybe that’s exactly what they were thinking about). That means you have to wear a bra under these slinky tops so your straps are showing, which is another look that should stay behind (or maybe between) the sheets.Cell phones as an accessoryUnless you’re Demi Moore, don’t even think about wearing your cell phone around your neck. It’s bad enough when people sit down for dinner at a nice restaurant and the first thing everyone does is pull out their cell phones and put them in a pile in the middle of the table. Remember answering machines? I miss the days when I’d make plans in advance, focus on the people I’ve chosen to spend time with, and then come home to my beloved answering machine with the red flashing light indicating how many adoring friends missed me while I was gone. I am a big fan of either leaving my phone in the car, “forgetting” to charge it, or putting it on silent so I can’t hear it ring. You might as well wear a collar and a leash if you’re that ready to come as soon as someone calls you.Fancy cell phone ringsAfter spending two hours with a friend last week whose cell phone plays that song that goes, “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard …” it was permanently ingrained in my head, like when you have the hiccups and can’t get rid of them. Then I sat through a business meeting with someone whose phone played “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” repeatedly. Over the weekend, I hung out my friend Listle who was up from Denver and her phone had a yodeler only because she decided the farting noise she initially downloaded was too embarrassing. You know you’re getting old when you don’t understand how something works (Like, how do you download something onto your phone? Is there some way you plug it into your computer?) But you’re really getting stale when everyone is doing it, but you simply can’t stand it. I feel like my grandmother, going, “What is that music? Turn that music off! That music is terrible! It’s driving me crazy!” I guess you could say I’m just your old fashioned ding-a-ling.Oversized sunglassesYou know it’s become a scary world when stunted anorexic twins become trendsetters. News flash: Mary Kate and Ashley weigh like 85 pounds between the two of them. Any sunglasses would look huge on their pinhead faces. If you spent half your time in the bathroom throwing up, you’d probably want to hide your eyes, too. Yes, I have a pair and when my mother saw me in them, the first words out of her mouth were, “Oh for God’s sake, Alison. Those glasses are ridiculous.”This look should have died with Jackie O. Distressed jeansIt’s bad enough I’m paying three figures for a pair of jeans, but after spending that much money on a pair that are torn and frayed and riddled with holes, the only one who’s distressed is me.The Princess wishes she was cool because it’s way too hot for her to think straight. Send your loving e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org
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