Todd Hartley: Say you want a resolution |

Todd Hartley: Say you want a resolution

If you’re anything like me ” and I hope you’re not, because I like to think of myself as special and unique in the good way too ” then you are the kind of person who makes lots of New Year’s resolutions.

And if, indeed, you are like me, you’ve probably broken about three or four of them already.

Fret not, dear reader, for to err is human, and we here at Cheap Shots forgive you just as long as you forgive yourself.

I mean, seriously, how long did you expect that whole “start eating better, you fat pig” thing to last? For me it was over first thing yesterday morning when I encountered a Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll I couldn’t resist.

Health food sucks. Why would you even make that resolution in the first place? If you even attempted to eat better in 2004 you’d be insane by Groundhog Day.

And for that matter, “stop drinking so much, you pathetic lush” is the kind of resolution that doesn’t make it a fortnight if it survives New Year’s Eve in the first place. I suppose maybe you could go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings if you wanted to make that one stick, but in my case that’d be breaking my resolution to “stop joining cults, you gullible nitwit.”

I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair. I’m sure AA is a wonderful organization. I just don’t like getting up early or drinking coffee. Oh, and I have no intention of curtailing my drinking.

The key with resolutions is to make ones that are easy to keep. For example, if I’d made a resolution to “start eating more Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls” I’d be off to a pretty hot start, wouldn’t I?

The whole argument that resolutions have to be things that are good for you or some sort of grand gesture is hogwash. Don’t give in to that way of thinking. That’s just the Catholics trying to keep you down.

Resolutions are not Lent. You don’t have to deprive yourself of something all year long. That’s torture. And nobody’s going to give you a medal for making it 12 months without masturbating anyway.

I had a college roommate who tried to stop whacking off for Lent. He didn’t last a week. I mean, he was a college kid. Who the hell did he think he was kidding? If he’d really tried to go 40 days he would have ended up in prison for any of a dozen crimes that I can think of offhand.

Either that or he’d have entered the priesthood. In either case, I can assure you there would have been some kind of fondling or being fondled involved.

He’d have been wiser to take on something more modest, like my ex-girlfriend. She gave up soda one year for Lent, and she actually made it the whole way. I’m sure God was very pleased, because I’ve read all those passages in the Bible that talk about the evils of Dr. Pepper.

I’d have set my sights even lower than that. I’d have given up, say, Grape Nehi, or something else you can’t find anymore, but then, happily, I’m not Catholic.

No, don’t resolve to do or not do anything you don’t like or do like doing. That’s just silly. That’s counter to human nature. Resolving to eat more greens when you hate vegetables is nonsense.

It’s all well and good to resolve to “actually go to the gym that you’re paying good money for every month and whip your corpulent mass into shape,” but that would involve a lot of public sweating and grunting, which, for some reason, doesn’t appeal to me much. It would be better to do as I have and resolve to do more private sweating and grunting, if you know what I mean.

Just find yourself someone who has the same resolution. With any luck, she or he will be very gung-ho about sticking to it, and then who knows? Maybe you actually can keep that resolution to “stop touching yourself so damn much, you pervert.”

[Todd Hartley resolves to write something more interesting next week. His column appears on Fridays in The Aspen Times. E-mail at]